Florida Cops Arrest Man for Meth; Turns Out It's Just Krispy Kreme Doughnut Glaze
In Florida, almost every unknown substance turns out to be crystal meth. All forms of white powder are meth. Anything remotely crystalline is meth. That weird jug labeled "painting supplies" in your Jacksonville grandmother's basement? Meth.
So it's hard to fault cops for jumping the proverbial gun on this one: After Orlando Police pulled over 64-year-old Daniel Rushing in December, they noticed four tiny white flakes of an unknown substance on his floor. So they arrested him.
"I recognized through my 11 years of training and experience as a law enforcement officer the substance to be some sort of narcotic," Cpl. Shelby Riggs-Hopkins wrote in an arrest report. "Rushing stated that the substance is sugar from a Krispie [sic] Kreme donut that he ate."
Somehow, the cops claim they did two roadside drug tests on said flakes, and both came back positive for meth.
But when the state crime lab ran its own tests, lab experts confirmed what Rushing had known all along: The flakes were glaze. He intends to sue.
Man Nicknamed "Dickface Johnson" Screams "I Will Beat Every Cop's Ass," Tries to Punch Cop
Things have clearly been hard for "Dickface Johnson" for a very long time. He either started calling himself "Dickface," which must have taken forever to stick, or someone else started calling him that, which transforms this into a sad tale of childhood bullying gone awry.
On July 23, cops arrested Jeffrey Poole, age 37, after getting called to a Largo home for an apparent domestic disturbance. At midnight, Largo Police say, they knocked on the door. Poole allegedly responded by storming the front door, shouting, "I will beat every cop's ass!" and rearing back to take a swing at an officer. Poole was arrested. (As to whether he was on drugs at the time, the cops checked off a box that said "unknown.")
He was charged with assault on a law enforcement officer.
But sometime during his apprehension, it appears Poole claimed his main alias was "Dickface Johnson." (We were betting on "Sideburns McGee.") The arrest report doesn't say why or how he gave cops the alias, so allow us to speculate:
"No, sir," we imagine he said. "Jeffrey is my given name. Please, call me Dickface."
Dania Beach Man With Confederate Flag on His Car Uses the N-Word, Tries to Run Over Black Couple
This one is less "ha-ha" WTF than actually "what the fuck" WTF, so we'll refrain from editorializing too much. A Dania Beach man with a Confederate flag on the hood of his car stands accused of shouting the N-word at a black couple trying to save a parking spot outside a South Florida BurgerFi.
He then allegedly hit the couple with his car, because he was clearly celebrating the "historical heritage" of
Shackus Davis and Veronica Larkins say they were simply standing in an empty spot outside the BurgerFi when Donald Lee Hicks, age 38, pulled up in front of them.
"Fuck you," he allegedly said before using the N-word. "Don't you see what's on the front of my truck?"
He then rammed them with his truck. Davis and Larkins say their knees were injured. He's unable to pay his $40,000 bond, so he's still sitting in jail.
"It's unclear if Hicks has an attorney," the Associated Press wrote.