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Scott, seen here floating in a lightless miasma where the laws of logic and hypocrisy do not apply.
Scott, seen here floating in a lightless miasma where the laws of logic and hypocrisy do not apply.

The Five Most Pathetic Times Rick Scott Defended Donald Trump

Florida senator, ex-governor, and accursed, human-shaped termite mound Rick Scott has been doing a whole lot of talking on TV as of late.

He's doing the talking because, frankly, fewer and fewer people are willing to do the sort of thing he's willing to do — that is, defend President Donald J. Trump as the leader of the free world every time he's photographed accidentally eating his own tie or holding a big bag of money with the word "bribery" labeled on it. Scott, hairless, wild-eyed, and specter-like, makes for an unsettling presence on live TV, but Trump is basically just down to a blunderer's row of Matt Gaetz, Marco Rubio, Lindsay Graham, and Devin Nunes to defend him on camera, and so Scott has increasingly taken up the mantle to fight for Trump's god-given right to eat reheated steakhouse potatoes on Air Force One.

Scott, having exposed himself as an absolutely shameless and obvious liar during his eight-year governorship, is now in the business of saying absolutely bonkers nonsense to defend Trump while roaming the halls of various D.C. buildings. Scott once again said some moronic garbage on TV this week (more on that later), so here's a rundown of some of the wildest times he's tried to defend our Big Presidential Boy:

1. Trump launched a racist tirade against black Rep. Elijah Cummings, and so Scott said it was actually Cummings' fault (and then compared Border Patrol agents to Vietnam veterans.)

Scott, clearly talking out of his ass on national television, was asked to defend the July incident in which Trump screamed at Elijah Cummings, a black congressman, and called the majority-black city of Baltimore a backwater. Scott instead babbled this nonsense:

"Let's look at what [Trump] said and why he did it. Congressman Cummings sat there and attacked our Border Patrol agents. This reminds me of what happened to soldiers who came back from Vietnam."

2. Trump got hurricane updates while playing golf, don't worry about it.

When Hurricane Dorian, then a gigantic Category 5 storm, was bearing toward the U.S., Trump was, characteristically, golfing. When Barack Obama so much as looked at a putter, the Republican Party damn-near accused him of treason, but with Trump, golf is now something you do while Conducting Big Business.

"He got updates. I know he played golf yesterday and got updates while he was playing golf," Scott said when asked about Trump's hurricane preparedness this year.

3. "Show me what the crime is," Scott says of obvious crime.

Donald Trump all but certainly tried to bribe the Ukranian government in order to dig up maybe-extant dirt on Joe Biden. Will he get impeached for it? Maybe. Is Trump worth defending? Of course not, but Scott said this anyway.

"I think we ought to slow down. Nobody's shown me what law... he's violated. On top of that, we ought to look at what [former Vice President Joe] Biden did. We ought to look at both of them. I still haven't seen there's a violation of the law. I don't know what law he’s violated yet."

4. Calling some folks anti-Semitic to defend a bunch of racist Trump tweets.

Trump this year also got really, really, suspiciously mad that four congresswomen of color were yelling at him. He fired off a series of tweets about how the "countries they came from" were a "total catastrophe," despite the fact that three of the four women — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ayanna Pressly, and Rashida Tlaib — were born in the U.S. and the fourth, Ilhan Omar, came here as a child. Powerfully racist-grandpa energy here. But Scott instead claimed they were somehow the real racists.

"It was not racist," Scott said. "It was clearly not the way I would do it but let's remember the position that these Democrats have taken. They've become the anti-Semitic party now and so that's wrong. Our country is not anti-Semitic. They are attacking law enforcement, our border agents and ICE. That's wrong. These people are doing their job."

5. Comparing the impeachment hearings to "communist China."

How dare Americans do the thing the U.S. Constitution says they are legally allowed to do! Scott this week decided that the extremely normal impeachment hearings going on are somehow ripped straight from the pages of China or Venezuela, despite said hearings being nothing of the sort.

"[House Intelligence Committee Chairman] Adam Schiff hasn't been transparent," he said this week. "He won't let the Republicans call witnesses. I mean, this is America. Don't we need to have due process? You get to talk to your accuser, call your own witness, ask people questions.

"But not in Adam Schiff's America," he continued. "It's like he acts like he's in communist China or Venezuela or someplace like that."

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