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Separated at birth: Jared Goff and Tom Brady.EXPAND
Separated at birth: Jared Goff and Tom Brady.
Jeffrey Beall / Brad Muckemnthaler via Wikimedia Commons

Five Reasons This Will Be the Most Horrible Super Bowl Ever

For the next two weeks, all you will hear about is the great story lines of the February 3 Super Bowl LIII at the Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta that pits the New England Patriots against the Los Angeles Rams. It'll be young quarterback versus old, young coach versus old, unbreakable defenses versus strong offenses.

Well, forget about it. The big game is gonna suck. Why? Because Tom Brady and company cheated their way to the top of professional sports and will probably win? Because Los Angeles is a detestable city that has no soul and doesn't deserve to triumph? Yeah, those and a bunch of other reasons you'll have to read on to comprehend.

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Here are five reasons to ignore all the hype and head to Miami Beach February 3.

Five Reasons This Will Be the Most Horrible Super Bowl EverEXPAND
Courtesy of the Gerald Ford Presidential Museum

1. Deflategate and Spygate. You might remember that in 2015, the Patriots cheated in their game against the Indianapolis Colts after quarterback Tom Brady ordered balls deflated slightly. The move helped his game and hurt the Colts. Brady was suspended for four games. The team was fined $1 million and also lost two draft picks. Then there was 2007, when the Patriots filmed opposing coaches from unauthorized locations. The team was disciplined for that too.

Five Reasons This Will Be the Most Horrible Super Bowl Ever
Thomas Pintaric

2. Los Angeles doesn't deserve it. For decades, that sprawling, phony, smog-filled city on the West Coast has been ripping off Miami. The Magic City's young, smart artists and actors have been heading there only to find that Miami is a more intimate and — believe it or not — more decent space than L.A. As my buddy and our former art critic Carlos Suarez De Jesus documented more than a decade ago, L.A. sucks them in and spits them out. Screw you, Los Angeles.

Five Reasons This Will Be the Most Horrible Super Bowl EverEXPAND
Bev Sykes from Davis CA via Wikimedia Commons

3. The Rams deserted St. Louis early and betrayed fans. Speaking of which, the Rams last month agreed to pay at least $31 million to 46,000 ticketholders (as well as their lawyers) who alleged the team screwed them by moving to Los Angeles. The team had promised 30 years but made only 21. That just confirmed L.A. is nothing more than a giant maw that swallows everything.

Nikola Jokic is one star of the Nuggets, which Kroenke and his wife Ann own.EXPAND
Nikola Jokic is one star of the Nuggets, which Kroenke and his wife Ann own.
Keith Allison via Wikimedia Commons

4. The Rams' owner is a megalomaniacal turncoat. Stan Kroenke is a bad human being who owns teams in every sport and moved the Rams to Los Angeles against the will of the place he grew up. His holding company — along with his wife Ann, an heir to the Walmart fortune — owns not only the Rams but also English Premier League football club Arsenal, the Denver Nuggets, hockey's Colorado Avalanche, the Colorado Rapids of Major League Soccer, and even a professional lacrosse team. Forbes in 2018 estimated he was worth $8.5 billion.

Enough already.EXPAND
Enough already.
David Shankbone via Wikimedia Commons

5. Enough of Bill Belichick already. Everybody has forgotten this, but Bill Belichick, who is 66 years old and should retire, abandoned the Jets in 2000 after only a day to join the Patriots. There is no denying the guy has been successful, but it is time to give someone else a try. The Patriots' trip to the Super Bowl this year is their 11th, the most of any team. Hey, it looks like Brian Flores, a Patriots coach, will join the Dolphins after the season is over, so maybe he can send our boys to the big game next year. Uh-huh, yeah, right.

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