Most people hate the New England Patriots a lot. Like, a healthy, normal, understandable amount that comes with all the winning they've done over the last 15 years. That hatred continued to rise as the Patriots clinched yet another Super Bowl appearance last weekend when they came back to beat the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Then there are Miami Dolphins fans, who hate the Patriots with the fire and fury of 10,000 flaming suns. Dolphins fans hate the Patriots enough that a restraining order wouldn't be totally unwarranted.
There are so many reasons why Dolphins fans hate the Patriots, but these are the five biggest that explain the ever-burning passion.
1. The Dolphins have to play the Patriots twice a year, and it's not fair. The Dolphins have played the Patriots 105 times. That's six and a half seasons of just playing the Patriots. God help us all. Get this team out of our lives. Having New England on the Dolphins schedule twice every season while other teams go half-a-decade without playing them is some sort of sick joke.
What's even more twisted is the Dolphins tend to beat the Patriots toward the end of what feels like every season, but it always means nothing. It's like they're pitying us. Or making the Dolphins' draft pick worse on purpose while also giving themselves motivation right before the playoffs.
DAMN YOUR MIND GAMES, NEW ENGLAND!
2. Patriots fans. That's all. Just them. And their faces. And their Patriots logos. Dolphins fans would probably carry themselves with a similar bit of arrogance if the Dolphins wrecked shit for nearly two decades, but that doesn't mean we can't hate it. Patriots fans act like their team is royalty. When the Patriots lose, it's as if the United States men's basketball team lost to Slovenia in the Olympics.
Watching the Patriots go to the Super Bowl every year is like reading a story about a rich guy who won the Powerball. Twelve times. Patriots fans can kiss our collective asses. You will pay one day! You'll see!
3. Tom Brady is the worst and we wish we could clone him. Tom Brady threw his first pass for the Patriots in 2000, the same year Damon Huard was a Dolphins quarterback. Not a quarterbacks coach, but an actual quarterback with a number, helmet, and everything. It's infuriating. We should be done with this person by now.
The Dolphins have had 17 quarterbacks since 2000. Seventeen. What the hell. It's likely by the time Brady gifts us all with his retirement he will have played against 20 different Dolphins quarterbacks. That's gross. He deserves our hatred.
4. The Patriots aren't worried about the Dolphins. Not even a little. The New York Jets at least respect the Dolphins enough to hate them with a passion, but Patriots give negative shits about Miami's entire setup. Oh, did you sign Ndamukong Suh? Congratulations, here's a $15 Starbucks gift card. Let us know if you need tickets to the AFC Championship Game.
Seriously, the Dolphins are a fly on the Patriots' elephant ass. If the Dolphins moved to the CFL tomorrow, nobody in New England would be like, "Thank God we don't have to play the Dolphins anymore!"
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5. The Patriots can turn even the worst Dolphins player into a Pro Bowl caliber professional ass-kicker. The Dolphins used Chris Hogan as a cute storyline for their HBO Hard Knocks special. He was the cute, fun little engine who never had a chance to make the team, but whom everyone loved anyway. They even half-mockingly named him "7-11" because he was always open. Now he's a huge part of the Patriots offense. If they want him to be. Just depends. No big deal. WHAT THE SHIT.
Who can forget the Dolphins trading Wes Welker to the Patriots? He had like seven NFL yards at the time. He went on to have a Hall of Fame career, while the Dolphins ended up with mediocre center Samson Satele.
Kill me. In. the. face.
The examples of the Pats turning forgotten players into stars are never-ending and touch every team in the NFL. They turn the heat up on the hate. For Dolphins fans, though, the hate is deeper and darker than most.