Basketball is the most frustrating sport to watch as a fan, because even when your team wins, the other team scores a good 30 to 50 times. And when your crew loses? It's the worst. Nobody likes to lose. Losing is for losers.
Heat fans know the drill all too well. After Sunday's shellacking by the hated Pacers in game one of the Eastern Conference semifinals, every member of LBJ nation had to find his or her own way to cope. Below are a few different forms of Heat fan you'll find after a loss. Which one are you?
Rabid and benching everyone in the history of the organization pic.twitter.com/vL4f22QxVi
— Dan Le Batard Show (@LeBatardShow) May 18, 2014
1. The Earth Scorcher
This person takes a flame thrower to the team after a loss and more often than not is your dad. Reasoning with this Heat fan after a defeat is a lost cause, and your best course of action is to just allow him to get all the poison out. This Heat fan hates Mario Chalmers more than you should reasonably hate anyone you've never met, but tweets "RIO!!!!" after he drops a clutch three. The Earth Scorcher Heat fan can't figure out why Michael Beasley never plays, then remembers why Michael Beasley never plays every time he does, and mentally fires Coach Spoelstra for it.
STEP OFF THE EDGE YOU PUSSIES.
— DG (@DanGnajerle) May 19, 2014
2. The Jack Shephard
This person is out there throwing buckets of cold water on Earth Scorchers left and right, and is the likeliest of Heat fans to restore order after a plane crash on a deserted island. More often than not, this Heat fan has been through some adversity, not only as a Heat fan but also in life: for instance, marriage and children -- they are very seasoned. Deep down, this Heat fan is shitting his pants too but is just embarrassed that you don't know how to hide your fear as well as he hides it.
espn is off limits. hgtv till tuesday ✌
— yelhsa leinad (@XxAshes2Ashes) May 18, 2014
3. The ESPN Evader
This Heat fan is the person you hear peeling out of the driveway after a big fight. The ESPN Evader has a DVR full of American Pickers and Bar Rescue episodes just for times like this and will listen to commercials on Power 96 before he listens to sports radio after a loss. This Heat fan didn't exist until 2010, because before the Big Three era, this level of trolling was reserved for only the Yankees and Tiger Woods. The ESPN Evader will secretly watch ESPN at times, just to make himself angry, because it's a borderline sick fetish at this point, like a good pain.
The Heat have lost game 1 in 5 series since the big 3 era their record in those five series 5-0
— Arschloch (@DDT43) May 18, 2014
4. Numbers Never Lie
Numbers Never Lie hits you with the cold, hard facts in this time of need, covering you with a warm blanket of statistical probabilities that all point to the Heat being just fine. This Heat fan will give you a stat partially made up of results that happened before the team even existed yet totally present it as solid reasoning as to why the Heat will succeed in 2014. NNL will also remind you of things that will make you panic even more, like the fact that the Heat has won just once in its last eight games in Indiana. This guy isn't helping.
Get your cocky heat fan ready for tomorrow!!! Gentleman's Sweep!!!!!
— Joy Taylor (@JoyTaylorTalks) May 18, 2014
5. Cocky Heat Fan
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There is a little Cocky Heat Fan in all of us, some more so than others. Cocky Heat Fan is like Godzilla, only Cocky Heat Fan doesn't grow stronger from radiation; it feeds off Miami Heat wins. The more Heat wins, the more fire he spits when at all challenged. Cocky Heat Fan refers to tonight as a must-win game for "us," so "we" better come to play. Scientific polls have uncovered that 94.7 percent of Cocky Heat Fans own an orange Miami Marlins hat. This is the form of Miami Heat fan every American pictures in their head when they think of us, but we don't care, because weeeeeeeeeeee kicked your ass! Three-peat, bitch!
Let's hope you're none of these fans later tonight, because that means the Miami Heat will have evened the series with the Pacers and is heading home for the next two games with home-court advantage.
Game two of the Eastern Conference semifinals begins in Indianapolis at 8:30 tonight.