Dolphins Pummeled, Shutout by Bears

On a night where the NFL Network previewed an upcoming documentary on Bill Parcells and his football genius, the Dolphins team he built was busy rushing for 39 total-yards and throwing for 187 on their way to their first shutout loss in three seasons. The Dolphins were manhandled and dominated in every way by the Chicago Bears last night. And at halftime, Dolphins fans were treated with a scene from the Parcells documentary. Because he's a football mastermind!

A Bill Parcells-led team has not made the playoffs since the Clinton administration. He's notorious for moving from one organization to the next on a whim, left the Cowboys a mess, and is routinely given way too much credit for the Giants teams he coached (but was built by other people) to the Super Bowl. He's even given credit for the recent success of the Patriots even though he had nothing to do with it. In Miami, he drafted Pat White, signed injury-prone offensive linemen, chased out a franchise icon, and failed to deliver a franchise quarterback. And while the team he left in shambles before walking away took a giant dump on the field the past two seasons, the NFL Network was busy filming Peter King verbally massaging Parcells' balls. Imagine if Parcells actually accomplished something. Would they have deified him? Would they have dipped his manboobs in gold?

What Went Right: The pyrotechnics during the team introductions was pretty neat! (Actually, Cameron Wake got his 9th sack of the season, which is pretty badass)

What Went Wrong: Another game, another crack to the balls from the injury bug. The injury bug is a dick.

The Fins, already playing with half of a Jake Long, lost center Corey Procter to a knee injury during the game, forcing injured Richie Incognito -- a guy who has no business playing center, mind you -- to replace him. The depleted O-line then managed to give up six sacks.

Then Brandon Marshall went down with a hamstring injury and never returned. But it might have been for the better. Before the injury, Marshall dropped two passes and was flagged for throwing the ball at Bears quarterback Jay Cutler's face. People complained that when Chad Henne was the starter, he hardly targeted Marshall. Chad Henne might have been onto something.

And those 39 rushing yards? Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams were given the ball a combined six times last night. Because when the game is on the line, you let your third-string quarterback with 12-career starts handle shit. That's just how we roll!

As for Thigpen, he threw for 187 yards, no touchdowns, 1 interception, and is now is 1-11 as a starter. Having a papier-mâché offensive line certainly doesn't help matters. But still, Tyler seemed indecisive, threw bad passes, and made people actually start secretly wishing Patrick Ramsey would come in. Yea, he's not the answer either.

Jesus hates the Miami Dolphins. The sooner we grasp that fact, the sooner we can all go about living our lives and showing up an hour and a half late to the American Airlines Arena to root for the Heat.

What's Next: The Dolphins travel to Oakland to take on the suddenly-very good Raiders. Which is for the best. Because this season is pretty much over. So we might as well tank the rest of the games to secure a better draft spot so we can select yet another injury-prone defensive lineman who can't outrun a penguin instead of, you know, a good football player and stuff.

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Chris Joseph