For much of the game yesterday, the Falcons bruised, battered and manhandled the Dolphins along the line of scrimmage, and there was the sense that this Dolphins game would end like so many others we've witnessed in the last decade or so: with a loud, wet fart heard for miles around as fans exited the stadium to yet another heart-breaking loss. But then Ryan Tannehill came on the field, tore off his uniform, and revealed that he, in fact, had extremely large and metallic balls.
See also: Atlanta Falcons vs. Miami Dolphins at Sun Life Stadium (Photos)
After a missed Matt Bryant field goal that would have put the Falcons ahead by 6, Ryan Tannehill took the Dolphins down the field on a 13-play 75-yard drive that brought the Fins to the 1 yard line. At this point, Tannehill simply unsheathed his very large, gleaming white man lance and promptly stuck it into the Falcons with aggressive - yet sensitive - touch via a 1 yard touchdown pass to rookie TE Dion Sims. The Falcons graciously smiled, covered themselves up, sipped their Manhattan that had been sitting on the nightstand, and asked Tannehill for a cigarette. It was fucking beautiful, sexy and magnificent all at the same time. The kid lost his Statement Game Virginity for us and the entire NFL was there to see it. Miami was glowing.
Mind you, this was a game the Dolphins had NO BUSINESS winning as they were consistently beat across the line of scrimmage with a sock full of batteries. The time of possession was so lop-sided the Falcons had the ball for an additional quarter of play compared to the Dolphins. The Dolphins allowed five sacks of VANILLA BALLS TANNEHILL compared to our awesomely-nonexistent pressure on big boy Matt Ryan. Furthermore, the Dolphins play-calling was pretty looney as the Fins looked at all their run plays and said 'meh, fuuuuuggg it' despite having some good early success running the ball. Clearly, it became apparent to the Miami coaches that they better make some explosive plays in the air if they wanted to catch up to the Falcons considering Atlanta's novel game plan of sitting on the ball and crossing their arms with a smug face all game long.
Some other quick hits:
- Erm, the defensive backs for Miami had a very, very bad game against Julio Jones and Matt Ryan and we need more help than the 2 guys back there who can maybe sorta play against the NFL's elite talent.
- Paul Soliai please come back soon because Jared Odrick is better at telling everyone what movie to watch on Twitter than he is defending the run.
- I'm very very sorry, but Julio Jones is an alien and Roger Goodell needs to look into this very seriously.
- For all the hot air blown up the collective asses of the defensive line in this early season, they simply did not show up yesterday. No sacks and very little pressure all game against Matt Ryan is a recipe for disaster but it was telling that ole' BIG BALLS TANNEHILL showed up and said 'I GOT DIS SHIT, HOMIES' for a unit that was completely impotent all game long. Let's hope that's an anomaly because God knows the defensive backs aren't all that great. Aside from COCKCAKES, of course. COCKCAKES can do no wrong.
- Speaking of COCKCAKES, the former Falcons' wife tweeted this pic after the game. Ta' bieeeeen.
- The offensive line continues to be dead to me until SHIT GETS BETTER. Tannehill is saving our asses out there (kinda awesome to even type that, really!!!) and they're going to get him fucking murdered. FIX YO SHIT!
Miami is now 3-0 for the first time since 2002 when Jay Fiedler (*gulp*) took them to a 5-1 record before RAY PUKE-ASS destroyed our season. In other words, the Dolphins now have the best record they've had since you were much skinnier and sexier.
Soooooo, to recap:
Your Miami Dolphins are 3-0.
Your Miami Dolphins are 3-0.
Your Miami Dolphins are 3-0.
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Happy Victory Monday, y'all! COCKCAKES FOR EVERYONE!!!!
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