Dolphins Fall to Texans 30-10 In Season-Opening Flop

With seven minutes left in the second quarter on Sunday, the Dolphins looked like a team that seemed to have turned the corner. The defense was playing more like the aggressive squad that had played well last year, the Dolphins receivers were catching the ball on offense, rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill was playing efficiently and the Dolphins were up 3-0. Then The Suck returned.

Yes, like a shaman inhabited by The Great Spirit of Sucktitude, our Miami Dolphins came back down to Earth and preceded to turn the ball over 4 times on 4 straight possessions with those remaining 7 minutes.

The Suck let us know FULL WELL that it was indeed here and ready to possess our team -- same way it has for years and especially since General Manager Jeff "The Devil Himself" Ireland asked a college prospect if his mother was a crack-smoking prostitute. Soooome thiiiiings willl never chaaaange:

Let's hit it:

-- As expected, rookie quarterback Ryan Tannehill showed some early struggles. Although he was fairly sharp and poised in the preseason, RT17 came back down to Earth with a forgettable performance: 20-of-36 for 219 yards and 3 interceptions. Two of those came in back-to-back series sequences where Tannehill (who's 6'4", mind you) chose poor passing lanes and had passes batted in the air by defensive lineman JJ Watt for NOM NOM NOM jump-ball interceptions whilst Dolphins players looked around all confusedly.

-- He also accounted for another interception thrown right at new free agent acquisition Jonathan Joseph, who showed great concentration to haul the bobbled ball into possession. Problem is Joseph plays cornerback for the other team. This shows what happens when you ADD good, impact players instead of Irelanding them into second-round future draft picks you'll only screw up.

-- The Dolphins played poorly along the offensive line, with two holding penalties by Richie Incognito and an overall craptastic performance by the rookie right tackle, Jonathan Martin, who faced a salivating mother-bear-on-steroids in JJ Watt. The dude absolutely mauled Martin, a guy not necessarily known for his strength, and looked like Reggie White in the process.

-- The duo of defensive backs Sean Smith and Richard Marshall played like gooey maggotty slime against All-Pro/former Cane, Andre Johnson. Johnson had 8 catches for 119 yards and a TD (right on Smith who was completely out-muscled). He did whatever he wanted WHENEVER he wanted. Wish we had a tough, athletic, physical CB to match him up with.  You usually draft those guys in the first round and keep them. OH WELL! WHO NEEDS THAT WHEN YOU HAVE 'VALUE'!!!!!

-- Again: Fuck Jeff Ireland with a bag of pine cones from A.D. 'Doug' Barnes Park.

-- The Texans took FULL advantage of the Dolphins soft zone in the defense -- consistently floating touch-perfect passes to wide receivers and tight ends -- over the heads of linebackers and just in front of ineffectual defensive backs. The Texans also employed a number of three-step drop, quick slants to awaiting wide receivers which Dolphins Defensive Coordinator Kevin Coyle had no answer for. The Dolphins were about as aggressive as your abuelo without his Viagra medication.

-- Don't worry! Our seemingly 20 year tradition of not being able to cover the opponent's tight end is A-OK. Owen Daniels had a number of huge plays as he accrued four catches for 87 yards. YIPPERSZZZ!

-- Daniel Thomas left the game with a head injury on the play where he fumbled in the second quarter. I hope he's OK and all, but Daniel Thomas is mostly a flaming pile of animal excrement. Ireland second round picks, yeah!

-- Some of the good? Davone Bess was reliable as usual, Brian Hartline flashed some chipmunk-y passion late, Randy Starks was disruptive early and rookie running back Marcus Thigpen's punt return for a TD was awesome. Also, LaMontell Pussyhammer (aka Reggie Bush) was smoooooooth through the Texans' defensive line on running plays and a silky jazzman in the passing game for a total of 115 yards between the two.  There needs to be more of that.

Truth be told, up until Ryan Tannehill started giving away interceptions like he was Oprah giving away KIAs, the Fins were right in this game. It was 3-0 before that whole thing happened and Tannehill looked pretty sharp, going 6-of-8 for 45 yards at one point. However, before long the LOLphins' Shaman of the Suck -- who instead of healing people with wisdom and magic from The Great Spirit is just really, really shitty at American football -- returned to inhabit the team. It's become inevitable.

This outcome was expected but at least Tannehill got some experience against a trendy Super Bowl pick and Jonathan Martin's line-work didn't get RT17's head taken off!

Soooooo, win??! (No.)

Your Miami Dolphins take on the Oakland Raiders at Sunlife Stadium this upcoming Sunday at 1 p.m.

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