Dolphins Fall to Cowboys 30-13 To End Preseason Winless, Then Crash The Team Plane

In what is typically the most uninteresting and uneventful of all preseason games, the Dolphins conducted business-as-usual by falling to the Dallas Cowboys 30-13 last night, completing the 2012 preseason with only their third winless effort in franchise history.

The Fins followed up in the most appropriate way possible: By literally crashing the team plane on the way out of town. Really!

As for the game itself, it was meaningless to be sure, but the Dolphins' tendencies to drop passes on offense, give up big plays on defense and overall just play like diarrhea dog ass continued on Wednesday night. Luckily, the most important outcomes - namely some encouraging play from rookie QB Ryan Tannehill and the fact that his head was not decapitated given backside protection from the likes of on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again offensive lineman, Ray Feinga - were positive given the rash of injuries the Dolphins have experienced recently

Some 'highlights' from the fourth, and most sleep-inducing, preseason game of the year:

- Tannehill was quick, decisive and accurate in his limited action against Dallas, despite facing Dallas' second and third teamers and lining up with many of the Dolphins' own future benchwarmers/2012 Papa Johns delivery drivers. However, the shitstain receiving prowess of our WRs continued as projected starting WR Legedu Naanee dropped yet ANOTHER pass on a short yardage, third down play that would have resulted in a converted first down. Tannehill finished 5-of-7 for 35 yards on his abbreviated night.

- The Dolphins -- who have not led a game all preseason (NOW THAT'S VALUE, JEFF IRELAND!) -- finally took a lead with 2:35 left in the first quarter as Dan Carpenter did, what else, kick a FG for the 3-0 lead. Worth noting is a missed pass interference call by the NFL's replacement refs on a third and two during the previous play. Tannehill showed nice touch on a fade to the end zone but the pass fell incomplete as the Dallas defender plowed into Naanee without looking back. Bad missed call but it's preseason so, meh, fuck it.

- The defense wasn't exactly Killer B's either, giving up more than a few big plays (including a 58-yard run to RB Lance Dunbar), being flagged for two pass interference calls and showing a not-surprising lack of depth that will have Jeff Ireland salivating for fallen 'acorns' all over the NFL landscape come cut day Friday. Behind the mostly dreadful band of starters for this team is a bag of dried mule shit so you better hope most of these guys stay relatively healthy.

- Both Daniel Thomas and former UM standout, Lamar Miller, flashed during their time on the field, displaying some nifty cuts and producing some nice plays. Daniel Thomas -- recently showcased on Hard Knocks as being in Philbin's doghouse due to various team infractions -- gained 31 yards on 5 carries including a strong 19-yard run. Lamar Miller (17 carries for 60 yards) was the star of a third quarter drive that was capped off with his own 1-yard TD run.

- Given the abysmal state of the Dolphins WR corps, you have to wonder why guys like Rishard Matthews (who's had a nice camp and had 3 catches for 47 yards in this game) and B.J. Cunningham (2 catches for 23 yards) haven't been given a bigger opportunity against first team defenses just to get a look-see. Both those guys actually catch the ball and seem to make plays from time to time!  But then you remember that our team is run by the incomparable genius of Jeff Ireland and all the wondrous mysteries of football contain magic which our feeble minds could never comprehend.

- Seriously, fuck Jeff Ireland and his acorns.

- Dan Carpenter (who kicked a booming 53-yarder) and Brandon Fields (SIX punts for a 40 yard average, including a 64-yarder) are both in mideason form, so that bodes well for our two perennial Pro Bowlers.

- Quick observation: That cute no-huddle, hurry-up offense bullshit from the first preseason game that would have yielded us being the fastest 3-and-out team in the history of the NFL has gone the way of the rotary phone. DONE-ZO with that shit.

As I mentioned earlier, final roster cuts down to the regular season 53 goes down on Friday by 9pm, so expect about 30 percent of the current projected 53 to be churned (or at the very least, they should be if the GM wasn't a smug-faced piece of shit). You don't need anyone to tell you that this is not a very good football team from a personnel or coaching perspective, so let's see what sort of precious 'acorns' good ole' Jeffy Ireland can uncover in the next few days before the NFL bends us over the couch for the next 16 games.


The Miami Dolphins open the 2012 regular season against the Houston Texans on September 9 at 1 p.m. EST. May God help us all. Not Jeff Ireland, though. Fuck that guy with a duck dick.

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