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Dolphins Fall to Cowboys 24-20 in Hall of Fame Game

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Welp. At least those uniforms really pop in HD!!!

Coach Joe Philbin and company were supposed to go out and show the world that the New Look Dolphins were not just about a new logo that looks like a whale penis and some flashy clothes that would make a World Football League team jealous. Instead, the Dolphins looked dumb, sloppy and farty last night on their way to a 24-20 loss in THE most meaningless of meaningless games.

Instead of getting an early look at Ireland's new Ferrari, Mike Wallace, or scrappy chipmunk-man Brian Hartline, the Dolphins showcased the impressive Devlin-to-Davis chemistry that has been burning up training camp! Or causing many Dolphins fans to yawn incessantly throughout this Sunday night snoozefest.

The Cowboys even did us the favor of sitting most of their starters -- literally about 70 percent of them -- and we STILL couldn't get ahead early with Tony Romo, Dez Bryant, Miles Austin, Sean Lee, and DeMarcus Ware watching the game from the sideline.

We looked that crappy. BUT, SISTER, THOSE UNIFORMS WERE BLINGIN'!!!!

Let's hit some highlights:

-- This is the weekend Dolphins football 'savior' Bill Parcells was inducted into the Hall of Fame so if you're wondering who's fat FUPA you should want to punch, it would be this asshole right here.

-- Speaking of fat guys, the Dolphins offensive line was about as shitty as you remember it being the past five years or so because the Dolphins still need 13 more years and $500 million more dollars to shore up this kinda important part of your team that allows your prized Ferrari to have the time to get downfield while the guy that is supposed to deliver him the body still has his head attached. IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS, I KNOW.

But in all seriousness, the Dolphins QBs faced continuous pressure from all areas not blocked by Mike Pouncey for much of the game sooooo yea, so much about that 'is the Dolphins D-line that good or is the Dolphins O-line that bad?' question.

-- Coach Philbin has preached turnovers as being important to the team, to the point of hanging footballs from the walls of meeting rooms throughout parts of the Davie facility (I shit you not).

Apparently, this worked as well as Dave Wannstedt's "lobster traps" because the Dolphins gave up two turnovers - one interception on a tipped pass from Matt Moore that LB DeVonte Holloman took to the house for the Cowboys and another on the first offensive play from scrimmage by Lamar Miller. Yeah, kind of a bad start.

-- The defense wasn't much better as backup running back Phillip Tanner gashed Miami's D-line and made Dolphins tacklers whiff left and right like they were Tom from "Tom & Jerry" trying to kiss some sexy cat-minx that was juuuuuuust outta reach. DRAT!

-- There were some positives: No. 3 overall pick Dion Jordan flashed some nice moves and showed some good instincts in notching two tackles in limited action. Keenan Davis had a touchdown on a fourth down and made a first down on another key fourt down attempt. Philbin was all 'MEH FUUUUUGGGG IT' last night, going for it on fourth down a total of five times. Three of those times were successful and he WOULDA GOTTEN AWAY WITH THOSE OTHER TWO IF NOT FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!

-- Backup RB Jonas Gray was also fairly impressive, breaking free for a couple of long runs including a 29-yarder that set up the last touchdown on a tipped Moore-to-Davis-to-Kyle-Miller completion in the end zone.

-- Special kudos as well to camp-standout Chad Bumphis who had five catches for 85 yards and was particularly open early and often. Nice work for the kid trying to make the team on a suddenly thin WR position.

All in all, the team looked incredibly sloppy for an organization that prides itself on the "tough, smart and disciplined football" mantra. Players were late getting on the field, there were juggling punt returns, poor technique by Will Davis to set up first-and-goal for the Cowboys and overall just a lot of ugly.

Hey, it's the first of FIVE loathsome, meaningless preseason games so it's not time to sound the alarms, blow the bugle horn or weep uncontrollably on the floor of the shower yet but if you found yourself Googling "Miami Heat Schedule" at some point during the game, we wouldn't hold that against you.

The next preseason game will be this Friday at 7:30 p.m. against Jacksonville in Duval County. Wash your pillow. Get it nice and fluffy.

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