Desperate soccer team threatens suicide unless Miamians buy tickets

There's something definitely extortive about the latest press release from Miami FC, the under-attended and gravely endangered second-tier pro soccer team that allegedly plays at Tropical Park Stadium. 

The club is under the gun from the Brazilian company that owns it- which, like the sad sap who owns the Panthers, is beginning to understand that South Floridians are far too busy researching early-bird dinner specials, buying glowsticks, or, you know, not actually living here, to attend a sports function. Management already missed the Sunday deadline for locking up the 5,000-season ticket holders it supposedly needed to be kept breathing for next season. 

Apparently, they got an extension. We received a release from the club that plays the guilt card in a major way. In it, the team president Aaron Davidson says: 

At this point, we are around 1,250 ticket packages sold. So we are far off of the target of 5,000. While we don't necessarily have to hit the 5,000 mark to continue, we must get closer. The combination of season tickets and other forms of support will determine our decision. As of now, we continue to ask, does South Florida truly want a professional soccer team?

To which we ask: are you sure you want to ask that? Call me an asshole, but I think South Floridians have made their decision. Now it's time for Miami FC to stop the sad-sack Girl Scout-esque fundrasing-for-a-few-extra-dollars and make theirs. Like all Americans, we're sick of being begged for a bailout.

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