The Miami Heat were on the verge of taking a commanding 2-0 series lead, had a 15-point lead in the fourth quarter, had Dwyane Wade back to his nut-punching ways, were alley-ooping and dunking and partying like it was 2006, and even had Mike Bibby scoring points. And then, of course, everything went to shit.
the Geico Caveman Dirk Nowitzki, the Dallas Mavericks erased the 15-point deficit and stunned Miami, beating them at their own game of obliterating the opponent's ass in crunch time, and won Game 2 95-93. The series now heads back to Dallas for three games tied 1-1 while all of America is throwing a party like the Ewoks at the end of Return of the Jedi. Yub-nub, motherfuckers!
Let's relive the epic fail in bullet form! Weeeeee!!!!
How The Game Went From Everything's Fantastic! To a Giant Pile of Flaming Dicks
• In the final six minutes, Dirk Nowitzki and his gnarled middle finger scored the final 9 points for the Mavs while the Heat went 1-for-10.
• With Dwyane Wade playing his best game of the entire postseason, making Jason Kidd his personal hand puppet, as well as his history of ass-wrecking the Dallas Mavericks, it stands to reason the Heat would draw up that play where they give him the ball and the get the fuck out of the way for the final minutes of the game. Instead, the Heat fell in love with shitty pick-and-rolls that led to shitty jump shots that led to this shitty feeling you now have in the pit of your stomach and will have to endure for at least two more days.
• 4-of-16 shooting from Chris Bosh. Chris Bosh has been a giant pile of dinosaur shit since the second half of Game 1.
• Mike Bibby finally woke the fuck up and these assholes squandered his 5-for-8 14-point performance. Nice going, assholes.
• 16-for-24 from the charity stripe. The Heat didn't get to the free throw line until mid-way into the second quarter. But once they got there, they decided to make shit sandwiches for everyone.
• After stock piling an assload of points in Game 1, the Heat bench managed only 11 points in Game 2. For all the love we give Udonis Haslem around here, he's been the main culprit of sphincter clenching sucktiude. While he's been solid on D, his offense has disappeared.
• The fuck was Bosh doing guarding Nowitzki instead of Haslem for the final Dallas possession?
• The fuck was the Heat doing in not using their "foul-to-give" on Nowitzki at the end?
• The fuck is LeBron doing settling for 25-footers instead of taking it to the hole? All those clutch three-pointers have turned him intoa fucking chucker.
• The Heat took 42 jump shots beyond 16 feet, compared to Dallas' 25. The entire Miami Heat offense has devolved into a bunch of George Costanzas.
• The always excellent Tom Haberstroh over at ESPN breaks down the moment it all went wrong for the Heat. As he puts it, it was 55-seconds of doom. In those 55 seconds, I managed to unleash the Hiroshima of F bombs. It was quite a scene, man.
Celebration Gate Will Now Set America's Pants on Fire
All we're going to hear for the next couple of days is how the Heat's supposed over-celebration fueled the Mavericks comeback (as opposed to, you know, just plain ole sucking ass).
Apparently D-Wade angered the Mavs players when he left his hand up in the air after he hit a three-pointer with 7:15 remaining. Dallas called a timeout, and Wade and LeBron then celebrated as players are wont to do when they score a big basket. HOW DARE THEY!
Wade and LeBron and the Heat can go fuck themselves because they're not allowed to celebrate made shots!
The media has already picked up on the "story," and the Mavs players and Dallas media made it their mission to point this out to everyone.
Never the fuck mind that Jason Terry (the same dickhole who tattooed the NBA trophy on his bicep) runs around like an airplane (A FUCKING AIRPLANE!!!) after every made three-pointer, or that DeShawn Stevenson makes three-point goggles every single time he knocks one down.
Look at the video above. Wade holds up his hand. LeBron punches him in the chest in exuberance. Every fucking team does this. But because it's the Miami Heat, it's apparently a crime against humanity.
So Now What?
• Stay away from ESPN and sports talk radio. It will only ruin your weekend.
• The Heat are now going to have to overcome the media hate machine, their own mentality about the collapse, and the horseshit Finals 2-3-2 format to now win the title. They'll have to win at least one game in Dallas to bring it back to Miami.
• Since the start of the 2-3-2 format, the Finals have been tied at 1-1 eleven times. The team that has won Game 3 has won the NBA Championship all eleven times. Holy fucknuggets, Sunday is pretty gargantuan.
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Game 3 is in Dallas on Sunday. Tip-off is at 8 p.m.