Conservatives Want The Burger King to be Next President of United States

Every once in a while, about as often as a blue moon, the conservatives on the Internet actually come up with something that is sort of hilarious. Not like "funny" in the way Glenn Beck is funny, but actually legitimately funny.

See, now they want The Burger King to be the next president of the Unites States. The Crispin Porter + Bogusky creation for the Miami-based fast food joint has a plastic, frozen face on purpose, unlike that Nancy Pelosi. He is not concerned with arugula and fat kids like nefarious body snarker Michelle Obama, and unlike that Obama he is not interrupting your favorite teevee programs with his hours of teleprompter speeches. If your conservative uncle hasn't blasted it to you and the rest of his address book already, read it at The Cool Hot Center.

But Riptide has uncovered explosive evidence that the GOP's apparent next presidential candidate is actually a socialist, sex freak with a penchant for underage boys! In fact we've found numerous reasons why The Burger King would be an absolutely horrible politician.

1. The Burger King believes in redistributing the wealth.
In 2008 the Burger King purposely left wallets full of cash (taxpayer cash????) across major urban areas (because he hates rural "real" America). If that isn't a prime example of redistributing the wealth, we're not sure what is.

2. The Burger King has a penchant for underage boys.
Now listen, we're not saying that there's anything funny going on here, but after Marc Foley you can never be too sure. Seems that the King has a pretty big thing going for a certain Taylor Lautner. And let's not even get into his Sugar Daddy-like relationship with the Jonas Brothers.

​3. He'd make Scott Brown seem incompetent in the locker room.
Seriously, the Republicans' current boyfriend can cover his, um, whopper with his skinny wrist. Meanwhile Burger King needs an entire towel. The last thing you want is a jealous Brown trying to derail the Burger King's agenda in the Senate.

4. He has creepy friends.
You thought William Ayers and Rev. Jeremiah Wright were bad? Well, apparently The Burger King pals around with weird chickens who are into hardcore sexual bondage. America's sex chickens are coming home to roost, indeed.

5. He's already pissed off international diplomats.
Mexican Ambassador Jorge Zermeno has decried the King's depiction of Hispanic stereotypes. With the Hispanic vote ever more important, do you really want a candidate who trivializes their proud heritage?

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Kyle Munzenrieder