On Friday, we stressed that the Dolphins pass defense needed to show up on Sunday if the team had any hope of taking down the Colts. Clearly, Defensive Coordinator Kevin Coyle needs to start reading our posts along with his morning coffee because the Dolphins pass defense was absolute refried pig-playing-in-shit-all-day ass.
Rookie QB Andrew Luck passed for 433 yards -- setting a new NFL record for passing yards and reminding us why a lot of Dolfans wanted to 'Suck for Luck' last year.
Luck was downright Montana-esque against the Dolphins. He not only set that rookie record for yards but the guy was straight NASTAY on third downs, converting 13 of 19 for a 68 percent success rate against a defense that was (before Sunday) the No. 1 defense against third down conversions. Every time it appeared the Dolphins were about to wrap Luck up for a sack or force a punt, Luck was able to slither his way out of trouble, complete a long pass and convert on third down.
To make matters worse for the Fins, Colts coach Chuck Pagano (who was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and has taken a leave of absence from the team for treatment) gave an emotionally-stirring locker room speech following the victory. So, yeah, when the team's cancer-stricken coach gives an incredible post-victory speech and the opposing team's quarterback goes fucking H.A.M. on your pass defense, it's pretty safe to assume what you're setting yourself up for. That's right: WAFFLE PENIS.
Let's hit some of the highlights:
- As mentioned, Luck was phenomenal. The hot, sexy girl from high school that we all coveted last year came back home this summer with a rock hard body, a boob job and a boyfriend with a clearly way bigger dick than you. Luck was fucking sickening to watch and he banged the ever-living shit out of our pass defense. He Lexington Steele'd the ever-living God out of us.
- Among the players walking off the field with a thoroughly violated and pulsating orifice was (ahem, 'shutdown corner') Sean Smith, who was victimized time and time again by Luck -- be it on a deep TD pass to former FIU star T.Y. Hilton or short passes to Reggie Wayne and Donnie Avery for a total of of 186 yards receiving between them. The Colts had four (FOUR!) receivers with over 75 yards receiving. Naturally, none of this is Jeff Ireland's fault.
- The officiating was (again) dreadful in this game with at least three or four clear holds on Cam Wake not called and an absolutely terrible holding call on Marcus Thigpen's final punt return that negated a huge chunk of yardage. On the replay, it was clear that Marlon Moore had not held during the return and that horrible fucking call took the Dolphins out of good field position (would have started at our own 46 vs our own 17 after the penalty) for at least a FG with 2:39 left to play.
- Among the positives was Ryan Tannehill, who despite his leg injury from last week, showed no lasting ill effects during yet another mistake-free performance en route to a 22-of-38, 290-yard afternoon. The kid held his own against the awesomeness of Luck and our own shockingly craptastic defense and nearly pulled off a victory at the end if not for the completely unimaginative play-calling in the second half. The Dolphins only scored 3 points in the second half and looked utterly lame and listless throughout.
- Reggie Bush, aka LaMontelle Pussyhammer, held a christening ceremony for the new 'Cassius Vaughn Memorial' wing of his ass closet. Here's what it looked like:
OOH DAT BOY NASTAY
- Two weeks in a row now where rookie Olivier Vernon makes a nice play on special teams when he partially blocked a 54-yard Vinatieri field goal. Olivier Vernon is THE COCK BLOCKER!
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- I know we should get over it but Brandon Marshall had 9 catches for 122 yards and THREE touchdowns. We got two third round picks, though, right?!?!?!?! SO MUCH VALUE.
Screw Jeff Ireland with live stone crabs.
The Miami Dolphins take on the Tennessee Titans at home this Sunday at 1 p.m.