Chris Bosh Goes 1-for-18 as Heat fall to Derrick Rose and the Bulls

Chris Bosh and the Miami Heat's bench decided to turn in the absolute worst performance ever in the history of everything in a game that will undoubtedly have playoff seeding implications down the stretch.

The Heat held a 9-point lead at the half against the Chicago Bulls last night, only to see it dwindle down to nothing in the third quarter. The Bulls outscored Miami 27-14 in the third, and pulled off the 93-89 win with Derrick Rose leading the way with 26 points.

Looks like Juwan Howard was on to something.

The story of the night was Bosh's atrocious 1-for-18 shooting. With every ensuing brick he tossed up, Bosh looked more like a giraffe on acid than the third member of the Heat's Big Three, ending the night just four missed shots shy of the worst performance by an NBA starter since 1973.

To make matters worse, in a collective performance that can only be described as "refried ass," Joel Anthony, Eddie House, and James Jones came off the Heat bench to score a combined 2-points.

Dwyane Wade poured in 34 points, and LeBron James added 29, as both did their best Butch and Sundance versus the entire Bolivian Army imitation of the season. Getting no help from Bosh, and having to rely on Mario Chalmers and Eric Dampier to help them out, Miami's dynamic duo played as well as we could've hoped. Until the very end, of course.

With the game tied up at 89 with mere seconds to play, Wade's miscue on defense led to Chicago's Luol Deng hitting an open three. Wade left Deng alone to help LeBron guard Derrick Rose. Rose then kicked it to the open Deng, who sunk the ball-punching shot from beyond the arc.

On the ensuing drive, LeBron hoisted up a dreadful three-pointer that went nowhere near the rim and rattled off the backboard.

Game set match. Fucked in the pants.

The good news: There's no way in balls Bosh turns in such an atrocious performance again.

The bad news: Unless there's a buyout and signing of a solid player like Troy Murphy or Mike Bibby in the coming weeks, Miami's bench will remain a heaping mound of possum shit.

The craptacular news: Miami is now 0-5 against Boston and Chicago this season.

Nothing like dominating the field and only to totally shit the bed against the two teams you're going to need to beat to get to the NBA Finals.

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Chris Joseph