Chris Bosh Elle Interview Confirms He's Too Nice to Be Awesome at Sports

As the Miami Heat have struggled this season, critics have repeatedly pointed their fingers at the team's new $100 million big man, Chris Bosh, for playing soft. The 6'11" forward has struggled to assert himself in the paint since arriving from Toronto, leading to whispers that he had "gone Canadian" on us and spurring a less-than-favorable theme song. His horrific 1-18 night against the Bulls didn't help his cause.

We thought that was all behind us, however, when Bosh Man turned in a ferocious performance against the Lakers earlier this week.

So the fact that Bosh has given an intimate interview to Elle magazine -- about monogamy, pity, and courting his fiancée -- puts a dent in our hopes that the big man had finally downed some tiger blood.

Here's a couple of awww, sweet moments from the Elle interview:

ELLE: I encountered some footage of your cousin with your former girlfriend heckling LeBron James in 2008 when you were playing on opposing teams. Are there unofficial rules governing the behavior of players' wives and girlfriends?

CB: That was embarrassing. A woman shouldn't heckle. In the public eye, you have to represent not only you but your spouse, too. You have to be a lady. She just has to sit there, clap, and look pretty.

ELLE: Everything I know about basketballers with stories like yours--exceptional high school players drafted into the pros young--suggests there must have been a buffet of women available at all times. Was racking up numbers ever appealing to you?

CB: I've never really been a guy like that. I like intimacy with just one person who you can share your secrets and thoughts and ambitions with. In our profession, we're in pretty vulnerable positions sometimes, so that can either motivate you to take advantage, or it can scare you a little bit. It scared me.

Oh, come on Chris. Who is this guy's agent? Why give interviews like this if you're already labeled a p*ssy by half the league? Nothing strikes fear into opponents like admitting that you're "vulnerable" and "scared" of loose women. Honest? Yes. Warlock-ish? No.

But it goes on:

ELLE: Players get into relationships based on pity?

CB: Oh, most definitely.

ELLE: Do NBA players go into clubs, locate the least attractive girl, and say, "Gee, I feel sorry for her--I'm going to give her a Bentley and move her into my house"?

CB: No, but we're talking about something that could develop over time. Everybody in this world isn't good people. So you have to learn that and learn to look for certain signs when you're out there.

We're not saying you have to go all Shawn Kemp on the female population of Miami, but someone needs to sit Bosh down and tell him that winners sometimes have to have a mean streak. And interviews like this are not helping.

Like Coach Spo, who revealed that his players had cried after losing, Bosh needs to button up and start throwing down if the Heat are going to make headway in the playoffs.

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Michael E. Miller was a staff writer at Miami New Times for five years. His work for New Times won many national awards, including back-to-back-to-back Sigma Delta Chi medallions. He now covers local enterprise for the Washington Post.