Breaking News: Paris Hilton Still Dumb, Comically So

The last time Paris Hilton came to town, she asked a respected house producer to play some pop tunes that would better facilitate her table dancing. He refused. The DJ said her posse pushed him, and Hilton lied about it to the tabloids. 

Now she's back in town, but at the courthouse. In 2006, Paris filmed the criminally underhyped cinematic classic Pledge This! at Barry University. Perhaps some of the blame for the relative obscurity of this revelatory tale of misfit undergrads trying to join the most prestigious sorority at South Beach University lies with Hilton. According to the producers, she didn't do enough promotional work. 

Hilton is in Miami federal court defending her honor, but this is really all you need to know: Asked how her bills get paid, Paris replied, "I don't know. I'm assuming, like, whoever pays my bills. I never ask about that stuff."

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Kyle Munzenrieder