Audio By Carbonatix
Florida is packed with retirees and transients. Even if you were born here, there’s a good chance your parents weren’t. So how does one define true Florida-ness? Our test is simple: For every bullet point you answer yes, give yourself a point. The scoring key is at the end.
• It’s officially fall when you can keep your A/C off for at least 30 minutes and not sweat to death.
• You travel for two hours and have to remind yourself you’re not in a completely different state, but still in Florida.
• You’ve done the stingray shuffle, and we don’t mean on the dance floor.
• You know someone who was involved in a “weird Florida news” story that went viral.
• Seeing dolphins or manatees no longer impresses you.
• You either get really offended when people call you a Southerner or really offended when people say you’re not a real Southerner.
• You actually root for Florida sports teams. (Seriously, get out of our state, Jets fans. Go back to Jersey.)
• You have felt personally victimized by a Florida sports team.
• You can’t fathom the idea that people don’t know how to swim.
• Publix subs > Subway subs.
• Big Foot isn’t real, but you haven’t completely written off the existence of the Skunk Ape.
• Your winter wardrobe consists of a few hoodies and a denim jacket (often worn with flip-flops).
• Your hometown (or at least the first city in Florida you lived in) is now almost unrecognizable thanks to the building boom.
• You could go to the beach every Saturday and Sunday for a month and still never wear the same swimsuit.
• You’re sick of seeing mega-lawyer John Morgan’s fat face telling you he’s “for the people” during every commercial break.
• You’ve gotten sunburned in December.
• A good college football season means your team beat Florida State, Florida, and/or Miami.
• Mountains freak you out.
• Alligators, however, no longer freak you out.
• You don’t take hurricanes seriously until they’re at least a Category 3.
0 points: What in hell are you doing taking one of our tests again, you Bostonian?
1 to 5: Congratulations on purchasing one of our many fine homes out of foreclosure as a winter getaway, but you’re not a Floridian yet.
5 to 10: You actually might be a Californian. Easily confused, but not quite the same thing.
10 to 15: Congrats, you’re a real Floridian! But you’re not living up to your true Florida potential. Is that tan even real?
15 to 20: For better or worse, you’re so Floridian you might as well get an ass tattoo of that snake eating an alligator.
