It's the first week of fall ... or autumn. We're not sure. Some people are so obsessed with this season that they've given it not one but two different names while using it as an excuse to put pumpkin spice on everything and knit mittens while drinking hot chocolate around a bonfire or some nonsense.
Seriously, people in other parts of the country go crazy for fall. We're not really sure why. That time of year in South Florida is just summer 2.0 but with the added bonus of slightly less bugs and humidity. It really wasn't hard actually to come up with 25 reasons why we're glad that we don't have a real autumn.
1. Because there's no such thing as pumpkin spice cafecito ... you don't mess with perfection.
2. Deep red, burnt orange, and drab browns really clash with neons and bright pastels.
3. We're not sure what's more basic at this point: wearing Uggs or talking about how ugly Uggs are. Whatever the case, the fact Miami has no real season contains this discussion to a few weeks during January and February.
4. Chilly weather never infers with our right to wear the skimpiest Halloween costumes ever.
5. It's the only time of year when our weather is good but there isn't a giant influx of tourists... because they're all busy up north enjoying their precious, precious fall.
6. Dulce de leche > caramel
7. We don't have to deal with coat checks, which seriously seems inconvenient. I don't want to wait in a line to get into a club and then wait in another line to check my coat only to have to wait in line again when I want to get it back and leave.
8. Cold weather clothes are expensive as hell, and we'd rather have one jacket and a few hoodies we repeat every year than an entire fall and winter wardrobe.
9. Picking apples in a state known for its oranges just seems wrong.
10. Leaves turning orange means those leaves are about to fall off. Meanwhile, we have green palm trees 12 months a year.
11. If people actually liked the taste of cider they'd drink it year round.
12. In colder cities, people's relationship standards tend to lower. It's about to become a miserable winter and they need to find someone to snuggle it away with. Sure, for the perpetually Miami single that seems like a nice idea, but it just traps people in sad relationships they only entered into out of desperation in first place and a sad spring full of awkward breakups.
13. Fall dining involves a lot of unnecessary carbs.
14. We do not trust our neighbors to safely operate a fireplace, and we really don't want our building to burn down.
15. Sweaters are itchy as hell, and they always pill up. A tank top has never had those problems.
16. Seriously though, pumpkin does not taste that great.
17. It's harder to pack on extra pounds over the fall and winter when it's still very much bikini season here, which means your spring diet becomes less desperate.
18. We can go to the beach instead of bearing witness to our football teams struggling through another season of painful mediocrity.
19. We've paid dearly all summer for our jacked up energy bills thanks to pumping the AC 24/7, but relying on it less during the Fall and not having to worry about heating bills frees up some money for Christmas shopping.
20. Candy corn is pretty gross, actually.
21. We have a polite excuse not to wear that ugly mitten and scarf set our great aunt knit for us.
22. Still have no idea what a gourd is and still don't care to find out.
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23. People in the north like to sleep with their windows open during the fall, but in Miami that's gonna get you killed at worse or surrounded by palmetto bugs at best
24. Children in Miami much prefer their mothers wearing chancs than chunky fall boots.
25. A real fall just means that a real winter is coming, in which case, uh, enjoy the subzero temperatures for three months up there, guys!