Whoa! Bro! You got boobs!
For the last couple of years at Ultra Music Festival, male ravers have rocked increasingly explicit, sometimes anatomically correct, and often innuendo-emblazoned tees, resulting in many LOLs and WTFs.
Some are funny. Others are gross. And others still are straight-up creeeeeepy.
We've carefully tracked the trend. We've snapped some pics. And now we present Ultra 2014's ten sleaziest t-shirts.
Let's hope you can accommodate a lady who isn't intoxicated, pal. 'Cause if not, we are renting a nice six-by-eight-foot room, where you can bide that time you ain't got. Say, three to eight years?
On the lighter end of the sleaze spectrum, there is this little guy. He's just discovered mammaries. And boy, does he heart them. But some advice from us veteran breast admirers: Don't call 'em tits and stop walking around with your hands half-closed like you're ready to get grabby.
OK, guys. So this is what happens when you buy bootleg Ultra Music Festival merch from "some dude on the street with a bag." You end up wearing matching neon pink tanks that don't actually match, with wandering logos and sleazily out-of-sequence catchphrases.
What a waste of money that could've otherwise been spent on "Pussy, Weed, Molly" or "Pussy, Molly, Weed" or "Weed, Pussy, Molly."
Oh so Miami, bro.
Grillin' some meat on the beach. Bangin' in the public restroom. And crankin' the boombox to "MAX" volume.
It's simple. It's Spanglish. It's sleazy.
Uncommonly, this t-shirt's sleaze is situated on the back.
There, a guy with a thing for spiky leather bracelets is yanking on some poor girl's hair while apparently trying to give her a rectal exam.
Now we aren't entirely sure about the exact meaning of "Good High, Bad Bitch." But we'd just like to say, "Sorry, Molly."
It's adorable that this posse of pals got together for a handmade t-shirt sesh. They painstakingly tie-dyed six tees, all matchy-matchy. They carefully cut the entire sides out, which is perfect for showing just a little nipple. And they came up with playful, individual slogans like "Fatty," "I Heart Shots," "Booty Guard," and "Who's Your Daddy?"
But Misters "Suck It or Fuck It" and "Sit on My Face" ... We're sending you back to the craft room.
Yeah. Maybe if you ask twice and wear flag capes, it'll happen.
In 1939, with the bloodiest war of the 20th century looming, the Brits were facing the imminent likelihood of being bombed from above by Nazis for hundreds and hundreds of days. So they created a saying, "Keep Calm and Carry On," to help keep the people chipper.
But in an era when all bros gotta worry 'bout is bass bombs (and not being literally buried under a pile of smoking rubble), the average male citizen's worst anxiety is whether or not there's a loose woman with low enough standards to touch his wee-wee.
Props on the matching spike-studded cap, though.
What's so sleazy about Ibiza? It's beautiful this time of year.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Well, we're not talking about the t-shirt.
Crossfade's Top Blogs