We tried to warn you people back in January: Coachella Music Festival Totally Sucks.
But, no ... You refused to heed our warning, shelled out the dough, plopped on your Spirit Hood, and spent the weekend getting ripped off by hippie dealers peddling research chemicals.
And then you had to sit through that Tupac Hologram bullshit. You know a festival is grasping at the straws of relevancy when they start booking the digital simulacra of dead superstars.
Plus, why would you bother hologramming Tupac when everyone knows he's still alive? Coachella should have worked with some artists who were actually dead. Here are our top five suggestions.
The Deceased: Richard Wagner
The Genre: Proto-Fascist Opera
The Big Comeback: The grippingly intense German dramatist should make his holographic return to the orchestra pit at Chaos in Tejas, the annual hardcore punk festival in Austin, Texas. That fest always features one or two oddball picks, providing a dramatic break from the circle pit. This year, it's New Orleans sissy bounce superstar Big Freedia. But next year, it should be Richard Wagner conducting Der Ring des Nibelungen from start to the finish.
The Deceased: Tiny Tim
The Genre: Faerie Ukulele
The Big Comeback: What if Tiny Tim had bumrushed Dre and Snoop instead of Tupac? Wouldn't that have yielded three times as many Likes on The Book? Hey, Puff Daddy! Keep this shit in mind for when you decide to fly Biggie through the sky like an obese gangsta Peter Pan. Maybe Tiny Tim could be his Tinkerbell.
The Deceased: Fat Elvis
The Genre: Vegas
The Big Comeback: We would like to see Elvis Presley circa 1976 (bloated, baked, and bedazzled) projected onto the stage at All Tomorrow's Parties in England. Each year, the festival selects a musician or band to curate the lineup. This year, it's Mogwai. But next year, ATP should let Hologram Tupac curate and he should make Hologram Fat Elvis the headliner.
The Deceased: Ol' Dirty Bastard
The Genre: Shaolin Schizophrenia
The Big Comeback: Now that we've all seen Makaveli sprinting around like Zombie Jesus, it's time that The Wu-Tang Clan starts beaming in Dirt McGirt. Instead of paying tribute to ODB night after night, they could just perform alongside a lifelike light-illusion depicting him. This will likely happen in our lifetime.
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The Deceased: Paul McCartney
The Genre: Moombahton
The Big Comeback: Y'know, after the real Paul McCartney died in 1969, the Beatles kept replacing him with increasingly shitty stand-ins. Check out the above video to see how bad the situation has become. A hologram would be so much more realistic at this point.