The most recent edition of the annual BET Hip-Hop Awards was less trophies-and-speeches and more WWE Monday Night Raw.
It's about time rappers started going ham again. The past decade of rap music has been more like a Coke Zero commercial than a continuation of the hip-hop tradition forged in the '80s and gangsta-sized in the '90s.
Here are Crossfade's top ten rap brawls ever.
10. Drake vs. Chris Brown
The story goes that Drizzy and Brizzy got into a tizzy at a NYCizzy pizzy over that trifin' ho and legitimate victim of domestic violence, Rihanna. Bottom line: Drake and Chris Brown are both pussies, but Chris Brown is also a dick.
9. Waka Flocka Flame vs. Anonymous Bowler
You would think a big-ass party carnivore like Waka would go "Hard in Da Paint" if challenged to a tussle. But from the way Gucci Mane's bombastically screaming comrade takes a one-two to the kisser, it would appear as though Flockaveli's got "No Hands."
8. Fabolous vs. Chris Brown
Everybody wants to kick the shit out of Chris Brown because he committed a despicable act of domestic violence. Plus, he's a pussy-dick who cries about everything and breaks windows when he doesn't want to answer questions on Good Morning America. How soon is it finally going to be our turn to kick this guy in the taint?
7. Foxy Brown vs. Jacki-O
We'd rather see Foxy square off against Trina. Or Lil' Kim. Or Nicki Minaj. Or Azealia Banks.
But Jacki-O was still pretty funny.
6. R. Kelly vs. Jay-Z's Boy
R. Kelly is both the king of R&B and completely out of his fucking mind. These two attributes are directly related. However, only the latter contributed to Kels' breakdown, during which he claims he saw men waving guns in the crowd, bolted from the stage, refused to perform, and put the final nail in the coffin of 2004's calamitous Best of Both Worlds tour with Jay-Z. Following Kelly's escape, a member of Hova's entourage sprayed the R&B superstar with mace.
5. 2Pac & Suge Knight vs. The Crips
We long for the days when current events in hip-hop resembled a gangsta rap Goodfellas. Or, in this instance, maybe Casino would be more appropriate.
4. Puff Daddy (and His Gun) vs. Anonymous Jabroni
Immediately following the Golden Age of Bad Boy when Puff Daddy was still called Puff Daddy and J.Lo was Jennifer Lopez, both stars got in deep shit following a ridiculous nightclub altercation (see also: scuffed Puma) that ended with Diddy and associates firing guns indoors. Did that contribute to his eventual separation with Lopez, who went on to date (the very Not Puff Daddy) Ben Affleck? Crossfade says, "Duh!"
3. Puff Daddy (and a Bottle) vs. Nas & Steve Stoute
Back-to-back Diddy! When MTV aired what was supposed to be a shelved version of the video for Nas's "Hate Me Now" featuring Puff Daddy crucified like Jesús, the Bad Boy CEO smacked God's Son's manager, Steve Stoute, upside the head with a champagne bottle.
2. DMX vs. An Opponent in His Height/Weight Class
Can you understand a single fucking word DMX is saying in the above clip?
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1. Insane Clown Posse vs. The Headbangers
Juggalo heads of state and one-time professional wrestlers, The Insane Clown Posse, squaring off against their arch rivals, The Headbangers, constitutes the greatest physical altercation in the history of rap music. Smackdown with the Clown!