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Top Ten Absolute Worst Music Trends of 2011

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Every generation lampoons those that came before it.

Nothing is easier to parody than the '60s: the hair, the beads, the vibes, maaan. In the '70s, everybody's pants were fucking huge, until their hair got Bride of Frankenstein-huge in the '80s, thanks to all that blow and yacht rock.

Unfortunately, we don't anticipate the 2000s will be rendered with such a cheerfully sarcastic glow. These are dark times. Just check out Crossfade's absolute worst musical trends from 2011.

10. Reunions Are the Ultimate Cash-In

Oh, sorry, you didn't get the memo? Well, it wasn't really a memo. Someone just, y'know, re-tweeted @ us. Sorry to break it you, man. But New Music is over. And it's been replaced, quite directly, by Old Music, i.e. wash-ups trying (and failing) to recreate their life's greatest moment. And they charging us, like, triple the price for the pleasure.

OK, so bands cashing in by getting back together is nothing new. But we're starting to see the trend trickle down into every quadrant of music. Even Crass reunited in 2011! Sort of. But isn't it always sort of?

9. Last Year's Made-Up Genres Still Haven't Gone Away

By the end of 2010, we foamed at the mouth while staring vacantly and wide-eyed at our flickering computer screen, trying to keep up with internet genres that evolved with Pokémon-like whimsy. We tried to catch 'em all: chillwave, dubstep, witch house, butt music. But in the end, we could only pray for death and/or the complete collapse of the World Wide Web, triggering a rise in populist primitivism. But, no, instead of an organarchist uprising (nice try, Occupy), we spent most of 2011 draped in triangles and bashing our head against a tremendous bass cabinet.

8. The Internet Kept Making Up New Genres

Goddammit, we yearn for the days when you could argue about how stupid the term "emo" was. If you feel like an old man yelling at a cloud when listening to witch house, just wait till you get a load of moombahton. It's dubstep's younger cousin with a bigger chain and cruder street-side catcalls. Or, uh, seapunk (see above video), which is the extremist/fascist wing of the retro-triangle-beach contingent. These chumps got so '80s, they ended up in the early fucking '90s.

7. All Dubstep Everything

Look, we'll leave your precious wobble-bass alone as soon as it leaves us alone. The year started with Britney embracing the womp. And we can't wait to see Skrillex on Yo Gabba Gabba, where that muppet belongs.

6. All Techno Everything

Alright, it's time to be honest. Crossfade is not really a Miami New Times music blog. That's just a front. Our real agenda is slapping together a message for the future. These posts are a kind of communicatory time capsule.

Basically, if humankind were to be wiped out, we want there to be some context for whichever Alien race (grey, Predator, Mayan, etc.) rummages through our ruins. When they shake their heads and ask, "But why the fuck did all music turn into techno?," they can consult our archives and know that we didn't have a damn clue either.

5. Wimpy Acoustic Music

New Weird America like Devendra Banhart and Joanna Newsom was all prance-in-the-grass-in-a-sundress and smoke-yer-floral-peace-pipe wimpy. But at least it had "weird" in the name and it could upset your dad. This new wave of wimps looks like a bunch of pretty boy steampunks.

4. Drake

To our ears, Drake's monotone half-rap, slathered and slopped all over every last radio hip-hop jam or remix released from January to December, is the epitome of bored entitlement. Which is precisely what you get when your genre shifts away from street-thugs-turned-bards and toward brats-who've-been-Disney-Rich-from-Day-One.

3. Wedding Music Got Even Worse

The sanctity of marriage isn't threatened by homosexuals and civil unions. The biggest challenge the institution faces is the bullshit mixes that brides-to-be throw on their iPod mini, and the cancerous trend of LOL first-dances.

2. Music Became Even More Intangible and Ephemeral

Spotify sucks.

1. Swag

Our number-one pick for worst music trend of 2011 is highly contentious. Not because we're at odds trying to balance our affection for Tyler the Creator's flow with our disdain for his douchebaggery. But because, upon further inspection, young men making millions off trashing women and gays in their lyrics, and generally acting like mess-making-Primadonnas, is nothing fucking new.

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

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