It's not easy dancing with a turkey on your head. Or three pounds of marshmallow yams in your belly. Or an ass so fat, it's literally full of cranberry sauce.
But c'mon, people, there ain't no party like a Thanksgiving party. Because while grandma definitely won't appreciate you getting waste-y off pumpkin pie ale and dancing on the dinner table, we here at Crossfade consider that to be a perfectly traditional expression of gratitude for this year's bountiful harvest.
Anyway, here are Miami's six best Thanksgiving 2013 parties.
White Trash Turkey Bash. With Damaged Goods and BOE. Presented by Fever Tuesdays. Tuesday, November 26, 10 p.m., SET, 320 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-531-2800; setmiami.com. For table reservations, call 786-735-1900. Ages 21 and up. How does white trash celebrate Thanksgiving? A deep-fried bird, three boxes of Stove Top stuffing, cranberry sauce from a can, a milk-fed kitchen maid in daisy dukes with all-natural boobies, and a $300 bottle of bourbon in the SoBe VIP ... Obviously.
Perky Turkey. With CX, Zea, Killa KA5, Joey Tracks, Beat Mekanix, Rob Vanz, and George Andreas. Wednesday, November 27, 10 p.m., Fifty at the Viceroy Hotel, 485 Brickell Ave., Miami; 305-503-4417; viceroymiami.com. Tickets cost $10 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. If Mr. Perky Turkey knew that he's gonna be plucked and stuffed and sizzling at 325 degrees tomorrow, then dude probably wouldn't be feeling so cheerful. But tonight, he's still feathered and having fun with DJs. Gobble, gobble, gobble, bro.
The 11th Annual '80s Prom. Wednesday, November 27, 9 p.m., The Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami; 305-379-0508; thevagabondmiami.com.com. Tickets cost $10 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 18 and up for ladies, 21 and up for men. Sure, the '80s Prom isn't a strictly Thanksgiving-themed party. But why not dress up like a pilgrim with a thing for Flock of Seagulls hairdos? Or a defeathered turkey in a trench coat holding a boombox over his head while screaming, "The light, the heat/In your eyes"?
Oh, and if you've never had roasted Gizmo with gravy ... Delicious.
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Butter Ball Thanksgiving Eve. Wednesday, November 27, 10 p.m., Hyde Beach at the SLS Hotel, 1701 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1701; hydebeach.com. Tickets cost $32.74 to $54.57 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Ever bet the next round of drinks on a 20-pound bird trying to balance atop a greased-up disco ball? Well, don't miss the Butter Ball, buddy.
Get Plucked. With DJs Joe Maz and Ess & Emm. Thursday, November 28, 11 p.m., SET, 320 Lincoln Rd., Miami Beach; 305-531-2800; setmiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. If you're a hot-looking human headed to the beach, you get a Brazilian. And if you're a fine piece of poultry getting ready for the club, you Get Plucked.
Black Friday!. With DJs Artime and Sharpsound. Friday, November 29, 5 p.m., Cafeina, 297 NW 23rd St., Miami; 305-438-0792; cafeinamiami.com. Free. Ages 21 and up. Forget fighting strangers in a Target parking lot at 4 a.m. for dibs on a $200 high-definition television? The best thing to do this Black Friday is spend the afternoon at Cafeina and get so drunk off $5 tequila shots that you won't remember it.