As the dolled-up, sweaty, rip-roaringly drunk revelers counted down the final seconds of 2011, you were standing by the punch bowl (actually, it was a mop bucket) full of vodka water, frantically scanning for your boo-boo, lest you and shawty miss out on that absolutely essential stroke-of-midnight spit swap.
But what's this? The dumb motherfucker to your left wearing an NYE dunce cap screams "HAPPY..." and you see, from across the room, some other dumb motherfucker with a yard of tongue down your baby's throat. Maybe your New Year's Resolution should be to kick that triflin' ho to the curb? Or maybe she's making out with a stranger because she's got a few resolutions of her own?
But whether or not the recent holiday season completely ravaged your domestic partnership (or strained relations with your booty call), odds are you're going to get your heart stomped at some point in 2012. And you might as well be prepared with an era-spanning, all-inclusive mixtape.
Patsy Cline's "Crazy"
Ms. Cline's voice soars so gracefully (see 00:53) that we have to imagine she'd been driven crazy more than once in her lifetime. The name of this song is the most accurate description of how one feels at every stage of heartbreak, and it's also the most common pet name used by ex-lovers.
The Smiths' "I Know It's Over"
Nothing is worse than the flip-flopping cycle of breaking up, reuniting, and going completely insane in the process. Take a page from The Moz: When that shit's over, it's over.
Bob Dylan's "Tangled Up In Blue"
Leave it to the freewheelin' Bobby D. (no, not Darin) to look like a bleary-eyed, coked-up, emotional trainwreck. Goddamn, bro ... Keep it together.
Joan Baez's "It Ain't Me, Babe"
Let's move from Dylan heartache to Dylan ballads used as protest music. We've included Joan Baez's rendition of "It Ain't Me, Babe" because it provides some worthwhile perspective. Maybe the problem isn't the individual failing of individual relationships, but instead the heterosexual monogamy matrix at large. Ass, grass, or gas, bay-buh!
Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made For Walking"
From burning bras to gams and go-go boots, Nancy Sinatra provides the foxy single lady foil to Joan Baez's polyamorous hairy armpits. See also: "visual therapy."
Eric Carmen's "All By Myself"
The time will come in 2012 when your lovesick psychosis will become so overwhelming that you'll need to lock the doors, shutter the blinds, turn off the lights, get the shower going good and steamy, strip naked and weeping, and just belt "All By Myself" from the bottom of your miserable being.
Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know"
Or maybe you could rip up pictures, tear pages out of your diary, pull your hair out, and burn every last memento while blaring '90s bitch rock.
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Lauryn Hill's "Ex-Factor"
Uh, this song is too fucking sad to joke about. Just get a box of tissues, punch your pillow and scream, "WHY GOD? WHYYYYYYYYY?!?"
Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River"
Thankfully, it's always easy to joke about Justin Timberlake. Do you think he and Britney Spears (who this song/video is allegedly/obviously about) ever really dated? Or is celebrity romance just another level of monetized reality entertainment?
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Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive"
Yo, it's the truth.