Sloppy Seconds and Me: Memories of the Band's Landmark LP Before Its Show at Churchill's on Saturday

Destroyed came out in 1989 but it didn't become a reality in my household until the mid 90's when my kid brother purchased it and we spent a lot of time listening to it knowing a few facts: this shit was a helluva lot better than Kiss (and while Kiss is alright, it's still a phenomenon I can't fully understand) and this was the poor man's Poison Idea. 

Not that Poison Idea was some unreachable thing, but their blistering hardcore seemed like the ideal pissed-off setting for a chubber like myself at the time. Nah, Sloppy Seconds made it fun, fun enough to realize that fat nerds could have a chance with some decent Ramones-inspired pop. Fuck yeah!

Then I one-upped my bro by purchasing Knock Yer Block Off and the reality of porno mags, comics and vintage toys struck even closer to home. This was during my 322-pound era and while jacking off has it charms, it made the dry season of not getting laid a little bearable. And I'll never forget the pain in the ass that ordering the More Trouble Than They're Worth album over a 56k connection was in 1998. 

Geez, at least the internet's gotten faster and with the newer album, 2008's Endless Bummer, Sloppy Seconds has not let up on the things that they hold dear to their hearts. And that's a good thing.

For all the cheekiness of penning songs to Traci Lords, banging Boy Scout moms and inserting obscure sci-fi samples into their junk rock quirk, Sloppy Seconds is a band that I've enjoyed for many years. Especially when I saw them live at Churchill's earlier this century (wish I could remember the exact date, but I've been told I matched BA drink for drink, ah... that was a special time) and purchasing their split 7" with The Vindictives (Why Don't Lesbians Love Me?) helped me some rough times during the loveless relationship I was in.

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Oh, and I've lost 105 pounds since I first heard them and learned the painful way, that while they are special to me, chicks don't dig it when you drop the needle on a Sloppy Seconds album when you're about to fuck. Oh well. To another twenty-five years of junk rock!

Sloppy Seconds, with Nobunny, the Spits, Furious Dudes, Lil Daggers, and others. 8 p.m. Saturday, June 5. Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami. Tickets cost $12 in advance, $15 at the door. Age 18 and up; 305-757-1807; churchillspub.com

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