Six Steps to Scoring a Ticket to the Totally Sold-Out Ultra Music Festival 2011

Ultra Music Festival! It's the final countdown. Listen .. Can you hear it? Uhhntz, uhhntz, uhhntz . . .

It's almost showtime. Yet many people don't have tickets. What do you do? Should you hit up Stubhub or Craigslist and pay over four hundred dollars? Is it time to sell your body? Pawn your parents jewelry?

No. Don't be stupid. There is hope. You will get into Ultra. Take it from a veteran, newbie. Let this article outline the way.

6. Understand the Rules

Ultra, for the first time, is not selling individual day tickets. You enter every day with a three-day laminated superticket. The ticket is scanned once per day. You could wear it around your neck; the ticket is issued with a shoelace type of necklace. With this superticket format, understand and trust the potential. There will be extra tickets, on a day-by-day basis.

5. Hope Someone Gets Sick or Breaks Up With Their Lover

There are 50,000 people going to this festival. What are the odds of everyone attending? Impossible. Even if two percent of the expected attendance falls ill and another two percent can't get out of work, or gets stranded at an airport, or just isn't in the mood, there will be a thousand extra tickets floating around.

Not to mention all the couples that will be fighting. How many boys do you think bought a ticket for their girl (or vice-versa) only to realize come showtime they hate each other? The key is to find someone who will let you use their ticket, just for the day, or until they need it back.

Use Facebook! Be pro-active. That's how you get a ticket for free. "Bro, let me use your ticket just for the day." Or, if you're willing to pay, show up. Droves of extra tickets will be floating around outside. Work out a deal. Trade. Offer collateral until midnight. Maybe your iPhone. Lord knows you won't get reception inside the festival. If you're going to buy or trade for the use of the ticket, just don't spend an arm and leg trying, and avoid scalpers.

4. Scalpers Are Evil

Scalpers may be the worse breed known to man. Serial killers, pedophiles, rapists, then scalpers. They are a crossbreed between douche and scum, with some sort of cockroach mixed into their lineage. No one wants to deal with scalpers. It'd be more fun to hang out with a dentist who works at a car dealership. No offense to dentists or car dealers. Please ... Know the difference between a scalper and an Ultra-lite. It's simple. If you see extra tickets, make sure the seller's wearing a Cookie Monster back pack or is covered in paint. That's an Ultra-lite.

3. Wait Until Sunday

Do you really think any human on this planet could handle three days of Ultra? Many Ultra-lites are not indeed human, so the question is partly rhetorical. Notwithstanding, out of 50,000 attendees, many will not have the energy, drugs, or willpower to stand three days of the festival. Hence, by Sunday morning a plethora of Ultra-lites will simply run out of steam, sputtering on the brink of insanity. Find these people! Where? Try looking at Jackson Memorial, maybe the psych ward, perhaps outside the ER. Or again, a simple Facebook request should suffice. "Anyone want to give up their Ultra ticket today?" You'll see. That's the vibe this year. Besides, have you even seen the lineup for Sunday? It's doper than heroin.

2. Make Yourself Invisible

Invisibility is a great power when it works. Use this technique only if you are really desperate or gifted. Walk up to the line. Get frisked. Move along with the crowd. As you approach the ticket collector, activate your invisibility and walk right on in. Walk fast, don't make eye contact, and definitely don't turn around. Talking on a cell phone also works. Pretend you're having a mock conversation just as you enter. "No, no. I'm VIP this year. I know, right. Where are you? By the what? I can't hear you. I'm coming in right now. No. I'm coming in." Again, don't make eye contact with anyone and don't look back. Believe it or not, people (even ticket collectors) don't want to bother anyone on the phone. It's a little something called manners.

1. Pray for a Miracle

The miracle technique is simple. Hold a finger in the air and yell: "I need a miracle!" You never know people's state of mind. Miraculously, some people are kind and just want to give away their ticket without having to go through the trouble of selling it. Or feeling like a scalper. This technique is a bit hippie-ish, stemming from Grateful Dead and Phish concerts. But nowadays, everything's blurred together. Ultra-lites are not far removed from understanding the karmic elements of giving and getting miracles.

Miracle or not, it's all good, kids. One way or the other, we'll see you inside.

-- J.J. Colagrande

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Miami New Times staff