Paris Hilton's EDM Vomit "Come Alive": Why This Song Sucks Worse Than Anything Ever

We want to start by reminding you that Paris Hilton is 33.

If, at that age, we are prancing around a sound green-screen stage dressed like a my-size Barbie princess doll, please, don't hesitate to shoot us. No adult woman should be stuck in such a stunted hell.

That she looks magically shiny at 33 is also a lie. And so is this new music video for "Come Alive," her latest foray into the commercial free-for-all that is EDM. Her image is as organic as the synthetic beat, and we'd bet money that Paris' voice was run through the ringer too.

See also: DJ Paris Hilton Signs to Cash Money: Five Reasons Her "House Album" Will Suck Balls

The video for "Come Alive" plays out like a four-minute trailer for EDC without the promise of something good. There are flower wreaths, slow-motion twirls, enhanced sunsets, bejeweled eyes, starfish bras, a bunch of flower beds and swings and other goofy-ass fantasy shit. There's a fucking unicorn chillin' under a rainbow. Lisa Frank should probably sue.

However, it's entirely believable that Paris wrote these lyrics. We haven't heard drivel this mindlessly inane since ... Actually, no. This is the bottom of the barrel. Further inspection shows Hilton was aided in the songwriting process by five other people. Where were they?

There are easily less than 50 actual words used for this song, not counting prepositions. It's mostly crap like "love," "dance," "amazing," "forever." She basically Rap Genius-ed the Beatport Top 10 and cherry-picked the most tired phrases in house history. She says "dream" four times, "life" five times, and "alive" a whopping 13 times. Someone needs to hand Paris a book without pictures. She may be borderline illiterate.

The song is basically about nothing.

We've never heard someone talk so much about romance with such banal indifference. It's as if Paris could fall in love with a human-shaped cardboard box. Her "dream boy" doesn't need physical, intellectual, or personable qualities beyond how he makes her "feel," which is "alive," by the way.

Oh, and that Cash Money Records was bold enough to tag their copyright at the end of this EDM vomit is laughable. A new Bow Wow video would be less damaging to the brand image. Although, upon further inspection, "Come Alive" is not that far off from Nicki Minaj's worst day.

It's a disgrace to what remains of dance culture that she inked a residency deal in Ibiza. But we're sure Zedd/Calvin Harris/David Guetta/DJ Soulless Pop Bastard is already working on the remix.

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Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.