Paris Hilton's DJ Debut Sucked Balls: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

See also "Jane Bang's Diss Track: 'Keep Sucking on That Afrojack Dick'" and "DJ Paris Hilton Pisses Off Samantha Ronson and Deadmau5."

And the award for shittiest, most tragic DJ in the entire universe goes to ... The slut in the awkward construction paper dress! Oh, we mean Paris Hilton, obviously.

Remember when

Crossfade told you that Paris was bound to ruin everything with her DJ premiere at the Pop Music Festival in Brazil? Well, it happened over the weekend.

We wish that we could say Hilton did it for the LOLs, but she probably doesn't get the joke.

0:00 - 0:25

Hilton literally touches nothing. Yet the music manages to speed up awkwardly and sound like poop. She sways from side to side like a drunken bobble figure. Waving a Brazilian flag doesn't save you from offending the whole country.

0:26 - 1:18

Paris plays with the flanger and makes a face like she's at a photoshoot. She puts her hands in the air, clearly because she does not care. The track continues to sound like it's trying to kill itself, and we don't blame Gotye. She pretends to know how to use all this equipment and stuff.

0:19 - 2:59

She takes to the mic, calling out to the crowd in a voice like that of a prepubescent child on downers. She actually touches nothing, and the song changes into another played-out hit from hell. The video skips into more embarrassing vocals and awkward dance moves.

But wait! There's more!

0:00 - 0:30

Paris debuts her own original ... Er, Afrojack's original that she sings on. Someone in the crowd mocks her nasal idiot speak. She drops the worst trainwreck in history, smashing Calvin Harris's "We Found Love" with her own puke-inducing sing-along. She takes off her headphones because not even she thinks it sounds good.

0:31 - 1:53

Stage directors blow smoke into the crowd as Paris blows smoke up her own ass. Someone has to come and help her DJ because she's too busy waving her glittery microphone in the air to actually do her job. You know, DJ-ing.

1:54 - 3:03

Nothing can save her now. She continues to be, literally dropping the same effing Calvin Harris tune as before. The video finally fades to black, and we cry ourselves to sleep. Because after seeing Paris Hilton try to DJ, it's just not worth living in this world.

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Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.