Another year has come and gone, and what've you got to show for it? A pocketful of unused drink tickets and an addiction to Tylenol? Oh, Miami, you party so hard.
Look, 2017 will be different. You'll be all about living that #FitLyfe, going to bed at a decent hour, waking up with all your memories intact. New year, new you, and all that jazz — but first, one final epic rager to end them all.
If you're looking for a place to get rowdy, a place to get lost in the beat, or a place to catch the most enviable snaps, look no further than these fine fetes.
Justin Bieber. 9 p.m. Saturday, December 31, at Fontainebleau Miami Beach, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2000; fontainebleau.com. Tickets cost $500 via flavorus.com. This was a big year for the Biebs. His Purpose world tour came to Miami in July and proved once and for all the 22-year-old pop star has grown into a musical-entertainment force. He still has a bit of the bad boy in him, but these days, he comes to the 305 to party and perform, not get arrested for drag racing. Celebrate your own elegance while enjoying live renditions of the biggest hits of the year, including his collabs with Major Lazer and DJ Snake, "Cold Water" and "Let Me Love You," respectively. His friend and collaborator Skrillex will be at LIV just down the hall, and we bet the Biebs will stop by the club on his way out.
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Jamie Jones. 11 p.m. Saturday, December 31, at Space, 34 NE 11th St., Miami; 305-375-0001; clubspace.com. Tickets cost $37.40 to $52.85 via wantickets.com. Space is under new ownership, and this is the big bonanza announcing the new regime. The Terrace will be completely transformed into a sensual wonderland, with plenty of house heaters courtesy of Jamie Jones. The Hot Creations label head knows good rhythm, and he loves to play our oceanside city. You can bet he'll bring nothing but the best in his hypnotizing marathon mix that might last well into Sunday afternoon. Jones is the perfect house maestro to move you into a new era.
Pitbull's New Year's Revolution. Saturday, December 31, at Bayfront Park, 301 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; 305-358-7550; bayfrontparkmiami.com. Admission is free. Sure, he calls himself Mr. Worldwide now, but Pitbull will always be Mr. 305 when he takes the Bayfront stage. This free party has become an annual favorite not only for Miamians but also for all who tune in to the madness on Fox. This year, Pitbull will pull back the hands of time and celebrate the future with his favorite old-school hip-hop pals. Get ready to rap along with Snoop Dogg, Salt-N-Pepa, Naughty by Nature, Rob Base, Tone Loc, Young MC, Coolio, Biz Markie, and others. All ages are welcome.
Tropicalien NYE Bass Drop. With Afrobeta, Telekinetic Walrus, Otto von Schirach, the Galactic Effect, Serious Jorge, and Juicy Cuci. 8 p.m. Saturday, December 31, at the Wynwood Yard, 56 NW 29th St., Miami; 305-771-4810; thewynwoodyard.com. Tickets cost $20 at the door. Open your third eye and get weird with some of Miami's most colorful locals. Make your booty bounce as Otto von Schirach opens the mystical gates of the Bermuda Triangle. Vibrate at a higher level of funky consciousness with the imaginative and uplifting antics of Telekinetic Walrus, and top off your night with all the cool electric dance goodness your body can stand with the unforgettable Afrobeta.
Virgil Abloh, hosted by the Fat Jewish. 10 p.m. Saturday, December 31, at Basement Miami, 2901 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 786-641-7119; basementmiami.com. Tickets cost $150 at newyearseve.com. This is the place to be if you are a fashionable Instagram model or want to experience memes IRL. Virgil Abloh is Kanye West's creative director and founder of streetwear favorite Off-White. Surely, he has good taste in music, but even if the music is just OK, the Fat Jewish is there to keep you laughing your way into 2017. The Instagram personality will almost definitely cause a scene in the best way possible.
New Year's Eve With the Roots. 8 p.m. December 31, at the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts, 1300 Biscayne Blvd., Miami; 305-949-6722; arshtcenter.org. Tickets cost $50 to $575 via arshtcenter.org. The Roots are among the greatest hip-hop acts of all time. Led by drummer Questlove and the unstoppable stage presence of MC Black Thought, this celebrated ten-piece brings hip-hop and jazz to life. You've seen them as the house band for The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, but if you've never seen them do their own thing, this is a chance you can't afford to miss.
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Billy Joel. 9:30 p.m. Saturday, December 31, at the BB&T Center, 1 Panther Pkwy., Sunrise; 800-745-3000; thebbtcenter.com. Tickets cost $49.50 to $159.50 via ticketmaster.com. Play us a song, Mr. Piano Man. Few songwriters have touched the human spirit in so many ways as Billy Joel. He's an icon, a master of storytelling, and a beautiful-melody maker. He hasn't released an album since 2001, but he's still the sixth best-selling recording artist and third best-selling solo artist in American history. Experience his timeless magic for yourself. It's kind of a big deal.
2 Chainz. 10 p.m. Saturday, December 31, at Rockwell, 743 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-793-3882; rockwellmiami.com. Tickets cost $150 to $200 via tablelist.com/rockwellnye2017. 2 Chainz is one of the hardest-working rappers in the game. He became famous by taking feature work on nearly every radio rap song you heard in 2012, which was a great move thanks to his unmistakable tenor and vocal delivery. In 2016, the Atlanta rapper teamed with Lil Wayne on the majority of tracks from his LP ColleGrove. He's known for being a little unusual. Even when he talks about throwing stacks at strip clubs, he does it in the most surreal way possible. His live game is that turn up, for sure.
Susanne Bartsch Presents House Party. 9 p.m. December 31, at the Confidante Hotel, 4041 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-424-1234; theconfidantehotel.com. Tickets cost $109.73 via wantickets.com. In 2017, men will be girls, women will be boys, and everyone will be someone absolutely fabulous. Grab your glitter and cover yourself in colors for this A-list drag spectacular. Roam the converted rooms of the Confidante for the ultimate house-party experience. Get your camera ready for performances by Amanda Lepore, Dirty Martini, Erickatoure, and others, plus tons of surprise performances you'll have to see to believe.
Marshmello. 9 p.m. Saturday, December 31, at Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-479-4426; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $250 via flavorus.com. He's cute, he lights up, and he's one of dance music's biggest breakout stars of 2016. Marshmello is more than just another producer in a helmet. He mixes adorable melodies with bass-heavy rhythms, toeing the line between trap, future bass, and straight-up pop. Find out for yourself what's so addictive about his sugar-coated goodness. Dance hard enough, and it cancels out the calories.