The Beach is about to get flooded, son.
At this very moment, there are 250,000 rappers, DJs, celebs, porn stars, strippers, and regular people packing the Hummer full of champagne, cash money, and 12 changes of clothes. They're making last-minute adjustments to the party plan. And soon, they'll be cruising across the causeway to Miami Beach for Memorial Day weekend.
Meanwhile, Miami Beach Police, city manager Jorge Gonzalez, and the Unity Coalition's anti-Urban Beach Week activists are frantically prepping for this human tsunami by organizing an onslaught of cops, DUI stops, and other emergency security measures.
But shit, we here at Crossfade just wanna non-violently wild out. So let's all just chill and keep the peace. There are way too many holiday throwdowns to even bother beefing.
Check out the fifteen best parties for Memorial Day weekend 2012 in Miami.
Jeremih and Roxy Reynolds. Thursday, May 24, 11 p.m., SoBe Live, 1203 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-725-3353; sobelivesouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Kick off Memorial Day weekend with Chi-Town fellatio fanatic Jeremih, porn pro Roxy Reynolds, and a lil' foreplay. As the J-Man likes to say, "Lick it, lick it, lick it."
DJ Khaled. With French Montana. Thursday, May 24, 10 p.m., Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Ages 21 and up. Big homie's got a billion jobs. He's a Def Jam exec, the CEO of We the Best enterprises, a YMCMB superproducer, 99 Jamz's top jock, and an all-star professional party starter. So he works, like, 27-hour days. And this Thursday, he's making Cameo his motherfuckin' office.
YMCMB. Hosted by Birdman. Thursday, May 24, 10 p.m., Club Play, 1045 Fifth St., Miami Beach; 305-532-4340; clubplaysouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $40 to $120 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. What goes down when Mr. Brian "Birdman" Williams (AKA Baby, Stunna, Lil Wayne's Daddy) and the rest of the Young Money Cash Money crew waste a weeknight on South Beach? Well, according to the official YMCMB corporate handbook, approximately a billion dollars, 333 bottles of GT Vodka, and 69 premium hos.
Young Jeezy. Friday, May 25, 10 p.m., King of Diamonds, 17800 NE Fifth Ave., North Miami Beach; 305-999-9500; kingofdiamondmiami.com. Tickets cost $60 to $120 plus fees via fla.vor.us. Ages 21 and up. We were warned. "Can't you niggas tell?" Jeezy shrieked. "I'm just looking for a supa freak." And now this Southern spitter says he's "supa geeked," cruising toward KOD in his "supa coupe" with a suitcase full of "kush and Cîroc" and "100 stacks" looking for a supa stripper with that "wet-wet supa leak."
Ace Hood. With Juelz Santana, plus DJs Springer, Griot, and Nasty. Friday, May 25, 10 p.m., Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Admission is free before midnight. Ages 21 and up. Sometimes, you wanna blow that money fast. Other times, you gotta save. As Broward County native and DJ Khaled protege Ace Hood astutely points out, "Mama need a house, baby need some shoes." And that's exactly why he, Juelz Santana, and the Best of the Best fest are hooking all y'all up with free admission to Cameo this Friday.
French Montana's Shot Caller Daytime Party. With DJs Boof and Epps, and Jay Rells. Saturday, May 26, noon, The Catalina Hotel & Beach Club, 1732 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1160; catalinahotel.com. Three-day passes to Miami Madness parties cost $125 plus fees via miamimadnessweekend.com. Ages 21 and up. As the founder of Cocaine City Records and a recent signee to Diddy's Bad Boy Records, Morrocco-born, South Bronx-bred rapper French Montana is a certified shot caller. His advice for a successful Memorial Day weekend: "Last sleep, first up, like a dope dealer."
Gucci Mane. With DJs Q45 and Nasty. Saturday, May 26, 10 p.m., SoBe Live, 1203 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-725-3353; sobelivesouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $30 to $1500 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ladies drink free till midnight. Ages 21 and up. Yeah, son, Gucci Mane's insane. He's a big fan of betting on stripper fistfights. He's gone to jail for shoving a woman out of his speeding SUV. He's even got an ice cream cone and red lightning bolts tattooed on his face. So, uh, who knows what this party animal's got planned for Saturday. Our only hint comes via Gucci's Twitter: "Memorial Day Weekend will never be the same! Burrrr!"
Trey Songz. With Mavado, Stevie J, and Top Feelin, hosted by Miss Kimmy, Felisha Monet, and Papa Keith. Saturday, May 26, 10 p.m., Ice Palace, 71 NW 14th St., Miami; 305-403-7850; big-time.com. Admission is free for ladies. Tickets cost $40 to $60 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Even though smooth crooner Trey Songz likes to ohh-ohh about the facial expressions that people make during sexual intercourse and orgasms that feel like a "Heart Attack," he's really just a hopeless romantic with a head full of deep thoughts. And this holiday rendezvous is "Reserved for Mature & The Privileged." Let's try to love and respect each other, people.
Birdman and Friends. With DJs Affect and Mummy. Saturday, May 26, 10 p.m., Cameo, 1445 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-532-2667; cameomiami.com. Ages 21 and up. Whenever a rapper releases a new track loaded with all kinds of nasty language (e.g. fuck, nigga, bitch, pussy, dickhole), he's gotta do a cleaned-up, duplicate version for MTV and corporate radio. Similarly, whenever a rapper like Birdman throws a raunchy, late-night Memorial Day party at a strip club like King of Diamonds, he's gotta give them timid party people an option without the bare booties and dirty dolla dolla bills. See Crossfade's post on Birdman and Floyd Mayweather's Memorial Day strip club party at King of Diamonds.
Juelz Santana's Splish Splash Pool Bash. With DJs Boof and Epps. Sunday, May 27, noon, Terrace Bar & Rooftop Pool, 448 Ocean Dr., Miami Beach. Three-day passes to Miami Madness parties cost $125 plus fees via miamimadnessweekend.com. Ages 21 and up. If the 2011 edition of Juelz Santana's Splish Splash bash was any indication, there's gonna be $100 bills in the pool, smashed Hennessy bottles in the trash, and crazy-ass, bikini-clad party girls wilding out in the restrooms.
2 Chainz. With Meek Mill. Sunday, May 27, 10 p.m., King of Diamonds, 17800 NE Fifth Ave., North Miami Beach; 305-999-9500; kingofdiamondmiami.com. Tickets cost $60 to $120 plus fees via fla.vor.us. Ages 21 and up. This Georgia boy lives by the motto: "I do wut I do kus I want 2!" And this Memorial Day weekend, that means lap dances, "Money on the Floor," and long conversations with Black Chyna at KOD.
Jim Jones and Juelz Santana. With DJs Q45 and Element, and D1THEMC. Sunday, May 27, 10 p.m., SoBe Live, 1203 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-725-3353; sobelivesouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $30 to $1500 via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Warning: The bubbly guzzling's gonna be entirely out of control at SoBe Live. And there may be a shortage come Sunday. In fact, this party's co-host Juelz Santana has already admitted, "We pop champagne! Ohh! We pop champagne! Ohh! We need more bottles! Tell 'em, hurry up! Ohh!"
Fabolous. Sunday, May 27, 10 p.m., Club Play, 1045 Fifth St., Miami Beach; 305-532-4340; clubplaysouthbeach.com. Three-day passes to Miami Madness parties cost $125 plus fees via miamimadnessweekend.com. Ages 21 and up. Only a few weeks ago, according to an eye witness, Fabolous, "12 dudes that weighed 300 pounds each and an extra 100 pounds for all of their bling jewellery" collapsed the stage at an NYC club party. And while Club Play is flawlessly constructed, shit happens, homie. So bring your hard hat and a flashlight, just in case you need to dig through 10,000 pouds of rubble this Sunday night.
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Cîroc Boys Invasion. With Meek Mill, French Montana, DJ Khaled, Funkmaster Flex, and Bonds. Sunday, May 27, 10 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Ages 21 and up. Any lady who makes it to Mansion before 11:45 p.m. this Sunday gets in free. The first 200 females even receive a gratis bottle of booze. Now, normally, if five dudes were saying, "Yo, girl, come to my party and drink 750ml of vodka," we'd scream, "Trap!" But don't worry -- the Cîroc Boys are perfect gentleman.
Uncle Luke's Lingerie Freakfest. Hosted by Freaky Red and 100 video vixens. Monday, May 28, 10 p.m., SoBe Live, 1203 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-725-3353; sobelivesouthbeach.com. Tickets cost $30 to $1500 via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. After 72 sleepless hours of non-stop champagne drankin', ass shakin', mischief makin', cash wastin', and coochie poppin', most people would be ready for a nap. But not booty bass pioneer, 2 Live Crew legend, and New Times columnist Luther R. Campbell, AKA Uncle Luke. Still as nasty as he wants to be, this legendary 51-year-old hypeman's got the stamina of a teenage boy on little blue pills. And he's spending Monday night with "100 video vixens." The lesson: Keep it freaky for life.