Lady Gaga Needs Crazier Props and We Have Five Suggestions

​Everybody's favorite glam guidette isn't Snooki, it's Lady Gaga.

The Italian-American princess continues to force parents into explaining things like disco sticks to their five year olds. Sure, Gaga's always less than boring. But sometimes, she's just so ridiculous that we don't even have the energy to "get it."

Still, Mother Monster will be performing at the American Airlines Arena tomorrow and we're psyched to see what antics she's got up her creepy little sleeve. Over the years, Gaga's used tons of unusual props. But if she really wants to retain her crown as the Queen of Wacko, she needs even crazier ones and we have five suggestions.

Think she'll take our requests?

5. A Jackhammer
We know Mother Monster wants to take a ride on your disco stick. (Yes, yours.) But maybe she needs to take this whole "ride" thing to the next level. Jackhammers are dangerous, sure. But they're also sort of showy and loud. They get people's attention. Also, who knows, maybe her family's in construction?

4. A Straight Man
It's true ... Gaga's love interest in the "Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)" video looks almost straight 'cause he's ignoring her the whole time. But he's still not convincing enough. We absolutely believe that behind every great woman, there is a gay man, or a legion of them. But it'd be nice to switch it up, just once, and throw a straight guy up there with Gaga. Keep things fair and equal.  

3. Maxi Pads
We all know the lady has a mixed history with tampons. Her dancers resemble Bart Simpson tampons in the "Bad Romance" video, and everyone saw her looking tampon-y and bloody at the MTV Music awards. Then there was the photo where her own was revealed while singing with the Pussycat Dolls, rivaling Fergie's onstage pee in the "that sucks" celebrity moments. But why not go old school with the traditional Maxi Pad? 

2. Pilates Machines
Of course, Gaga needs no execercise. She's like a whittled-down toothpick. But white people go crazy for pilates. It's the fad right now, second only to forced starvation. Not to mention, those pilates machines are just begging to be in a music video. And it won't be hard to make these crazy S&M looking contraptions "sexy," either. Just flip on Madonna's "Human Nature" video and steal a few ideas. 

1. Pulled Pork
Because ... Why not? Pulled pork is delicious. The steak dress was just like, OK, fine. But it wasn't edible. It was raw! How about Gaga gets herself a smoker, makes some pulled pork, and then hires one of her gays to weave it into a tasty wearable treat.

Lady Gaga. Wednesday, April 13. American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. The concert starts at 8 p.m. and tickets cost $52.50 to $178 plus fees via Call 786-777-1000 or visit

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Liz Tracy has written for publications such as the New York Times, the Atlantic, Refinery29, W, Glamour, and, of course, Miami New Times. She was New Times Broward-Palm Beach's music editor for three years. Now she plays one mean monster with her 2-year-old son and obsessively watches British mysteries.
Contact: Liz Tracy