Are you kidding? Kenny effing G!
Wow, we here at Crossfade can't wait for the 2012 edition of Jazz in the Gardens. The hair will be long, luxurious, and kinky. "The Moment" will be sweeter than a soprano on a sugar high. And there's gonna be so much smooth sax in the air that it'll be a shock if even a single Gardens-goer leaves Sun Life Stadium's parking lot with their pants on.
OK, so that's a lie. We couldn't care less about Mr. Kenneth Bruce Gorelick's saxophone sucking. And needless to say, Jazz in the Gardens' 2012 lineup is sorta lackluster so far.
Overall, the fest seems to be sticking with the same formula used to assemble 2011's musical roster, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
The organizers have exchanged last year's Gladys Knight for this year's Patti LaBelle. They've traded last year's Lalah Hathaway for this year's Nicole Henry. And they've also tried to pull off a similar swap with last year's Lauryn Hill for this year's Jill Scott.
Jazz in the Gardens 2012 Lineup
Saturday, March 17
Sunday, March 18
But even though she's very charming and quite talented, Ms. Scott ain't no Ms. Hill. Plus, this Jazz sesh is still missing a killer old-school slow jammer like 2011's smokin' Charlie Wilson, not to mention an endlessly amusing novelty act like Bobby Brown's set of '80s jams, stage-humping, and mock-cunnilingus.
So what's the next move, Jazz in the Gardens? Basically, you need some Grade-A divas and a couple superstar pervs to justify the $45 to $175 ticket price. And if your official Pandora Station ("Making the work day a little bit smoother!") is some kind of clue, we're kinda hoping for the surviving members of TLC (RIP Left Eye!), that filthy closet-dweller R. Kelly, and some "Tootsie Roll" action from the 69 Boyz.
Jazz in the Gardens 2012. Saturday, March 17, and Sunday, March 18, 2012. Sun Life Stadium, 2269 Dan Marino Blvd., Miami Gardens. One-day tickets cost $45 to $175 plus fees and two-day passes cost $75 to $350 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Visit jazzinthegardens.com.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.