Valentine's Day is generally accepted as a stupid holiday for saps, Hallmark, and women with no spines. The only thing it's good for is selling candy and giving Hollywood another excuse to make disgusting and totally implausible rom-coms that no one will remember.
Still, being single on National PDA Day doesn't have to be a total bummer. In fact, being single is something we should rejoice in, heartbreak is something to learn from, and playing the field is just an all-around good idea.
So you feel less alone this V-day, we made you a mixtape with some of the greatest anti-love songs ever recorded, because dancing with yourself is better.
8. Eamon - "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)"
This surprise jam from
2003 was the only real hit for R&B singer Eamon, but at least he
went all out on his one shot. Delightfully packed with expletives and
sexual muckrakery, this song tells the story of a man who's been cheated
on by his best girl. Sure, he's probably a misogynist and she's
probably a stripper, but deception hurts everyone equally. This song is
perfect for getting the rage out.
7. Beyonce - "Single Ladies"
Sometimes breaking up isn't so hard when the guy you're leaving is a non-committal scrub. Beyonce is the official spokesperson for independent women across the globe, and this song is perfect for the go-getter in all of us. Remember ladies, the best way to get back at your ex is to dress like a slut and flirt with richer guys in his presence. He'll realize his mistake immediately.
6. Earl Sweatshirt - "Luper"
member of OFWGKTA might have written the most compelling song about
teenage heartache there is. It's the old, familiar tale of boy likes
girl, boy gets girl, girl realizes she can do much better and leaves.
And doesn't everyone deep down want to kill the person they love for
making them so emotionally unbalanced? No? Just us? Okay.
5. Cee Lo- Fuck You
This song may be used, abused and dried up like an elderly whore, but it's
still one of the catchiest anti-love anthems ever written. The cleaned-up radio version brought Cee Lo out from his post-Gnarls Barkley media slump, but the original sentiment is hands down a million times cooler. Sing it defiantly in the faces of happy couples everywhere.
See also: Valentine's Day: Six Worst First Dates
4. Justin Timberlake - "Cry Me A River"
Revenge is a dish best served as a hit single and paired with a music video starring a look-alike of the ex in question. On this track, Timberlake teaches us not to get mad, but to get even and over it. In the end, we'll be the ones with the semi-respectable acting career, and she'll be the one making watered-down dubstep.
3. Eminem - "Superman"
This is a song for all the true players of the world. The lesson here: the best way to keep yourself safe from heartbreak is never to get emotionally involved at all. Follow Em's lead this Valentine's Day and find a needy girl (or
dude) to take home, but kick her out in the morning before she starts getting any big ideas.
2. John Legend - "Used To Love U"
This covers the same dilemma Cee Lo so eloquently addressed, but John Legend is a little classier in his delivery. If you've been used and discarded, jammin to this song on repeat is exactly what you need to get
your swagger back in time for V-day. It's jazzy melodies just stop the crying in its tracks.
1. J. Geils Band - "Love Stinks (Adam Sandler remix)"
This song is a no-brainer for this list, and Adam Sandler's rendition in 1998's The Wedding Singer is brilliantly hysterical. A rallying cry for lonesome souls and lovers scorned the world over, no good anti-Valentine's Day is complete without an impromptu performance of this song in public. Go ahead! Crash a wedding, photo-bomb a kissy picture and shout this one out from the rooftops. Your loneliness and self-loathing are good enough excuses for your behavior.