| Lists |

Five Really Old Rock Stars We'd Like to $#*%

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

TMZ has got us playing a lil' game called, Who'd You Rather?

Of course, the implied last half of that question is: "...do it with?" And by it, we mean da nasty.

Yesterday, the gossip site asked us if we'd rather rub private parts with Led Zep shrieker Robert Plant or Roger Daltrey, frontman and vocalist for The Who. Well, we stayed up all night thinking about it and here's the answer ... Neither!

Instead, meet the five 60-year-old rock stars we'd actually like to fuck.

5. Bob Dylan: Sexy Senility

The past decade of Dylan has seen the former counter-cultural sex symbol age in proportional disgrace to the boomers whom he entertained and inspired. As 70-year old Bob morphs more and more into a Kooky Old Man (and the longer he stands in front of that keyboard, wearing that bowler), the lustier his vacuous stare makes us.

4. Bruce Springsteen: He's on Fire

Before The Bawse, there was The Boss. And Bruce Springsteen is an American working-class ultra-beefcake, even at 62. There should be calendars featuring images of him shirtless in automotive garages all across the nation. We would love to see Bruce "leak" a private, Kim Kardashian-style sex tape. And not just because he's so ridiculously smokin'. But so someone can finally use the title Porn In The USA. Oh, wait, they already have?

3. Mick Jagger: At Least He's Not Steven Tyler

In addition to being a more sensuous lizard man and/or sexy grandma than former Aerosmith frontman and American Idol host Steven Tyler, Mick Jagger is a living, breathing encyclopedia of highly advanced, seriously experimental sexual practice. Which is why the 68-year-old Rolling Stones frontman still, to this very day, claims to be dissatisfied with his carnal regimen.

2. David Bowie: As Jareth the Goblin King

Not that we wouldn't already shtup Ziggy Stardust or even just regular Bowie. But the 64-year-old '70s rocker hit his erotic zenith with "Magic Dance," a pagan synth-pop number from 1986's Jim Henson-directed cinematic classic Labyrinth.

1. Jerry Lee Lewis: OG Rock 'n' Roll Hunk

Oh, we would give anything to spend a little time with 85-year-old Jerry Lewis's "Great Balls of Fire." Anything.

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.