We'd say kids these don't know how to name their bands properly, but kids (and, really, we mean grown men, sometimes zillionaires) have been coming up with crappy band names for quite some time now.
And it's only going to get worse. All you need is login info to be a "band" these days and the closer we get to The Singularity, the closer we get to an era when band names are going to be certain rhythmic patterns dantily clicked on a keypad.
But before all of music, art, and humanity is completely subsumed the Matrix-slash-Borg-like tentacles of The Internet, here are are the five worst band name trends from the pre-cybernetic era.
5. Nu-Metal Needs a Better Editor
Examples: Staind, Limp Bizkit, Karnivool, Puddle of Mudd, Skrape.
Nu-metal is the quintessential genre representing '90s suburban angst and rebellion. And the corresponding "spell your band name wrong" trend was a clear revolt against literacy. The genre's major players, like rap-rock trolls Limp Bizkit and aggro-sensitive butt-rockers Staind, and lesser known acts like Karnivool and Skrape, embraced the typo aesthetic with whole heartedly.
4. Your Haircut Is Funny Looking and Your Band Name Is Too Damn Long
Examples: The Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower, Please Inform the Captain This Is a Hijacking, Cute Is What We Aim For, Iwouldsetmyselfonfireforyou, Iwrestledabearonce
Names like Texas Is The Reason and Further Seems Forever seemed a little wordy and a little emo. But by the mid 2000s, long-as-hell, melodramatic band names were all the rage. From emo to screamo to eternally damned internet genres like crabcore, the shittiest bands in America are all naming their bands like they're presidential biographies.
3. All Wolf Everything
Examples: Wolf Parade, Wolf Eyes, Aids Wolf, Wolfmother, We Are Wolves
For a minute there, everyone had ten million owl figurines and every band worshipped canus lupus. P.S. Grizzly Bear, Panda Bear, Minus The Bear...
2. The Beach Sucks
Examples: Beach House, Surfer Blood, Holiday Shores, Wavves, Beach Fossils
It seems like this one may be getting traded out for band names like Hype Williams, Tiger & Woods, and Crom Truise.
1. Witchhouse Is Pseudo-Goth Genre Fan Fiction
Examples: †‡† (Ritualzzz), Gr†ll Gr†ll, M△S▴C△RA
Will someone please tell us WTF that says? This trend brings us full-circle, as this kind of crap was set into motion the second KoRn flipped that "R" backward.