Valentine's Day really blows.
If you're single, lovey-dovey shit will be rubbed in your face at every turn. And if you're not single, you've got to come up with some kind of sappy, cheesy display of affection or else end up in the dog house.
And why? Because Hallmark and the damn chocolate companies are engaged in some kind of evil tryst, working together to manipulate your emotions and steal all your money.
So, instead of celebrating with syrupy love songs, we here at Crossfade are listening to anti-love jams about beating bitches and cheating hearts. Listen to our musical manifesto and flip the bird at passing couples.
See also: Valentine's Day: Six Worst First Dates
Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way"
Sometimes love feels great, and sometimes it feels terrible because you're banging some guy who is also banging this other girl, and you're all in the same band together, and you're stuck on tour, and there is no escape. But at least such a bizarre love triangle yields really great music. This gem from the classic album Rumours captures that feel, and send it off unceremoniously on its own way.
Gang Starr's "Love Sick"
Damn, some bitches be wack, like the girl in this song from 1991. Gang Starr is a busy guy, trying to get his money up, and he really cares about his girl, but she just can't take it. She feels like he's ignoring her or paying too much attention to other ladies. But it's all part of the business! Oh well. Obviously, Gang Starr just needs a new woman who's down to ride. We've all been there, homie.
The XX's "Chained"
Of course, sometimes the opposite is the downfall of affections. The XX know was it feels like to smother someone until they disappear, and "Chained" is the anthem for those of us who love too much. When you really love someone, you want to tell the world. But sometimes, they're not ready, and suddenly, they're gone. Hold your head up high, and please, don't beg. They just weren't that into you.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' "You Got Lucky"
If you're going to get dumped, the best way to deal with it is by telling that dumb bitch that she's making a mistake, and that she'll never find anyone like you again. Now sure, she's thinking, "that's the idea, asshole," but you know she's the real loser in the situation. If she wants to keep running her mouth and acting up, just let her walk away and find out how cold the world really is without your arms.
Kanye West's "Addiction"
The pre-requisite to love is sex, and sometimes one person gets emotionally involved, but the other person hits home base then just goes home. This song is an ode to those fleeting feelings, spurred on by drugs and money and all the "good" things in life. West doesn't really like this girl, he just wants to give her coke so he can take pictures of her naked and maybe convince her to have a threesome with her best friend.
Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper"
This love song is special, because it's all about suicide. When you really want to be with someone forever, you have to kill yourselves in a romantic suicide pack, just like Romeo and Juliet. If you do it correctly, you'll stay young forever and still get laid in the afterlife. Of course, you're banking on the fact that there is an after-life. Good luck.
Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart"
This is the total anti-love song anthem, so of course it makes our list. Love almost never lasts, especially today, and when love goes sour, this is the song you put on repeat and cry alone to in your room. The routine just bites too hard, and emotions don't grow after a while. All the little things that make your lover unique just become annoying. There's nothing you can do about it, so you might as well cheat on your wife when you're on the road. It worked for Ian, right?
G.O.A.T. and your M.O.M.'s "Quack Like a Duck"
These rednecks know what the fuck is. Every guy just wants you to quack like a duck when you suck an fart on his balls when you fuck. Jesus, we can hardly watch this, but it's also one of the funniest things we've ever seen. It's like Primus got even weirder. Three cheers for romance.
Tyler the Creator's "She"
Some of you probably didn't even realize Frank Ocean is part of the young rowdy rap group Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All, but he is. He raps and sings all over this love song for the mentally unstable. Tyler the Creator knows how to write a love sonnet, with lots of blood. So what, he's a stalker. He's the kindest, most devoted stalker you'll ever have to restrain.
But who taught Tyler and the rest of the OFWGKTA crew everything they know about love, rap and dead bodies? The master of anti-love, Marshall Mathers himself. When he found out his wife Kim was cheating, he didn't write some metaphorical forlorn poem, he let it all out in the booth. He walked himself through his first instinct - to drag her out into the woods, torture and kill her. It's the killing instinct that lets you know your love is real in the first place. No one will ever be able to top this realness.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.