EDM Becoming a Cirque Du Soleil Production: Five Reasons It's Gonna Suck

The world of EDM is basically one giant circus. You've got Steve Aoki doing acrobatics; David Guetta is running around in clown shoes; and Tiësto's striking Jesus Christ poses as the most self-righteous ringleader ever.

But all that's been merely metaphorical until now.

Cirque Du Soleil has teamed up with MGM Resorts International and the Light group to transform a 38,000-square-foot venue in Las Vegas's Mandalay Bay into a totally fucking groundbreaking new club-going experience that's part stage show, part dance floor.

But real talk ... It's probably going to suck, and here's why.

See also:

-Ten Reasons Rolling Stone's "25 DJs That Rule the Earth" Is Total Bullshit

-Ten Reasons EDM Is the Wimpiest Youth Culture Movement Ever

-Taylor Swift Goes Dubstep! Five Reasons Pop Stars Gotta Stop Whoring Out EDM

EDM Is No Longer Cool

Never mind that the scene is full of wimps and the dubpocalypse has come and gone. The fact that Cirque Du Soleil is getting involved means we've given up. Even Michael Jackson had to die before his music could be turned into a Cirque cash cow. Why not just put a sign out front that says "Do your molly here"? 'Cause this shit ain't about the music anymore, homie.

Terrible Teaser Video

What did we just watch? It looks like someone took the b-roll from a straight-to-DVD horror movie trailer and decided to put some shitty house music behind it. Because they're lazy assholes. Not only did this clear up absolutely nothing about the new club, it also left us completely unexcited about the whole thing. Before, we were like, "Alright, what is this." Now, we're just confused and too bored to laugh.

Uninspired Tagline Central

So, the name of the company behind it is the Light Group, and they're apparently a bunch of ego-centric hacks who could only think to name their club after themselves. To make matters worse, they cover the project in gag-inducing slogans like, "Have you seen the light?" and "Get turned on." They're even like, "After dark ... there is light." And that literally makes no sense. Because what dark are they talking about? You mean the depressing state of affairs for EDM?

"Emotional Ecosystem"

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Going back to the ridiculous press release, one organizer is quoted as saying, "It will be a melting pot of ideas and the focus is equally spread across music, the experience and the crowd. Each one relying on the other, like an emotional ecosystem set up to cultivate and grow a magical night out." We don't know what an emotional ecosystem is, but it sounds like nothing we want to be a part of. Sounds like the worst hippie period ever. Sounds like a big load of bullshit.

Hype Is Hollow

Look, we've been in this scene for years upon years. Take it from us ... When something is hyped so hard, it can only lead to disappointment. Is a new Vegas club featuring DJs and Cirque dancers game changing? Unless these guys are handing out molly water samples at the door, this place is going to be just another place for tourists to throw their money away on sets from DJs we've seen already.

But maybe we haven't let ourselves get turned on by the bright idea. Maybe a grand opening will shed some light on our dark attitudes and really brighten our world view. Maybe this is the kind of illuminating experience the scene needs, and this is a new genesis for EDM. Let there be Light.

See how easy that was? Amateurs.

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