When it rains in Hell, the ground cracks open and Satan's blood flows up from Hades to soak the Earth.
Maggots in the dirt gorge themselves on the devil's plasma until their tiny, ugly bodies burst and microscopic eggs spray everywhere.
Six days later, a new generation of long-haired black metal fans are born. As these creatures grow in fury, size, and power, they flock to speakerboxes blasting the loud, vicious music that feeds their undead souls. And this weekend, the satanic masses shall converge upon Little Haiti for a ritual so dark that it can only be called Black Kvlt Metal Fest.
See also: Miami's Ten Best Metal Bands of All Time
Evil genius Ira Ochacher is the mastermind behind this musical blasphemy. He says, "There's so many Cubans and Colombians in Miami that we got the biggest Cuban and Colombian black metal bands in the world." Of course, he's talking about Ancestor and Thy Antichrist, whose legions of devoted followers are maelstrom personified.
The fest also features some of the biggest names in pure, unadulterated, underground U.S. black metal. How underground? So subterranean that they have corpse remains clinging to their boots. Bands with names like Holocaust, Hellfrost, and Masticator will make you head-bang till brain juice leaks out both of your ears.
And if that's not evil enough, there will be a special fire performance for the opening ceremony on the Antichrist Stage while Death Talisman II plays by the bar. It's going to be a blood soaked whiskey kind of weekend.
See also: Florida's Top Ten Black Metal Bands
Twenty bands comprise the Black Kvlt Metal Fest lineup, and ten play each night. These warriors hail from California, Texas, Gainesville, Jacksonville, and the home of all that's ugly in the soul of America, otherwise known as Tampa.
Together, all shall celebrate the descent of darkness with every psychotic note, yell, roar, and growl.
A special tip from Ochacher: "Make sure to check out Vesterian. They play super violent hateful black metal."
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Sound like fun? Well, don't be scared; be the one who scares, and have an awesome time at the greatest metal fest to hit Miami since evil was invented.
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Black Kvlt Metal Fest. With Vesterian, Thy Antichrist, Holocaust, Ancestor, and others. Friday and Saturday, October 17 and 18. Churchill's Pub, 5501 NE Second Ave., Miami. The shows start at 9 p.m. and two-day tickets cost $15 plus fees via tmusproduction.bigcartel.com. Ages 18 and up. Call 305-757-1807 or visit churchillspub.com.