New to the Cuisine Scene

By now it’s probably common knowledge that the Miami Herald has undergone yet another redesign, one that includes the September 18 launch (or return) of the Thursday food section. What you may not realize is that Miami New Times is also about to debut some more comprehensive coverage of the restaurant and hospitality industry scene. Read on for a preview of our forthcoming columns, bios of writers, and intended subjects:

•Kitsch’n: A weekly photo-torial of gadgets and small appliances you have no culinary use for but will no doubt receive as a gift for your next birthday. Advice on what to do with them — bread machines are very effective foot baths, for example — plus tips on posting items like nutmeg graters and bagel slicers on eBay. Compiled by staff.

•Hot Flash: Veteran New Times staffer Dinah Delmonico will document food trends every Thursday. Mrs. Delmonico has the distinction of being the only female New Times employee over the age of 50. She began her career in the classified section, then moved into advertising sales before becoming an editorial intern. After stints as theater critic, movie reviewer, art critic, calendar editor, and investigative reporter, she was promoted to the position of food writer, where her educational background in accounting has served her well, especially when it comes to figuring out tips. Feel the heat with her as she moves through the local dining scene without pause, but with menopause.

•Done in 60 Seconds: Microwavable pick of the week. This column will highlight the best of the short-order groceries available to the public. Dry, canned, refrigerated, and frozen goods will be featured on a rotating basis throughout the month. In the months that have five weeks, the fifth will be devoted to those products that fall outside the box.

•A Knife in the Back: J.R. Terriere, a former restaurateur who always knows who’s in whose kitchen, will pen this weekly gossip column. A long-time New Times contributor, Terriere continues to work on a freelance basis for the National Enquirer, World Weekly, Interplanetary Digest, and Celebrity Sluts.

•Bean There, Done That: Dr. Harry Kolon offers this monthly home-remedy column to those who suffer from food-borne illnesses, allergies, and overeating. A nutritionist, Dr. Kolon will present a wide range of viewpoints, ranging from homeopathic to homophobic.

•Nude Foodist: Beloved syndicated guru Norm Templeton will present dishes you can safely prepare while cooking au naturel. Biweekly recipes will call for temperatures to stay under 140 degrees and will instruct without the use of sharp items such as knives, scissors, cherry pitters, KitchenAid mixers, skewers, cheese graters, pepper grinders, grills, corkscrews, biscuit cutters, stoves, butter molds, matches, egg beaters, food processors, nutcrackers, and toothpicks. Templeton is new to the New Times family, but has impeccable credentials, having written for national publications such as Colonies, the Art of Living Nude; The Sun and Moon Times; Bareback Cooking Light; and The Daily Flash. He is the author of the books Iced Tea: A Nudist’s Afternoon Delight, and Hey! Watch That Bacon Fat!

•Yenta Can Cook (But Only When She Has To): A weekly dining advice column from the perspective of maven Ida Noe. Includes elements of etiquette, fashion, beauty, and style. Written in question-answer format. For example:

Query: When wearing a revealing top, is it okay to pull up your strapless bra at the dinner table?

Yenta Says: Why bother with the bust line when someone has slaved to put food on the table for you? Listen to me, this I know: Better to lift a finger to help out the cook than yank at yourself like a princess. Who do you think you are?

•Outdoor Wine Enthusiast: Well-known local Homeless Bob writes weekly on the world of jug wines and the winos who love them. Intermittently he’ll explore other subjects such as malt liquor, grain alcohol, and moonshine.

•Coffee, Tea, or Me: A biweekly ramble through the coffeehouse, tea party, and swingers’ scene. Transgender nightclub fixture Glory guides girlfriends, sisters, and naive, just-married, heterosexual couples newly moved to Miami to the most stimulating depravities the city has to offer.

•Gastracker: A monthly compendium, written by guest chefs, of the worst places to eat in town.

•Whine and Dine: A readers’ weekly write-in column. You can’t get into the newest trendy restaurant, but at least you can complain about it.

•X-Chefs: A cartoon strip featuring superhero chefs who no longer work in Miami. Meet Kerry, who has a blow dryer and knows how to use it; J.D., who can magically open doors thanks to his newfound celebrity status as private chef for Matt Damon; and Ephraim, whose strength lies in disappearing. Follow their adventures as they battle their nemesis Kimball, an overly genial restaurant critic singly responsible for lowering the standards of the fine-dining public.