As Mother's Day approaches, we're reminded of the tireless efforts of the women who lovingly raised us into the neuroses-plagued adults we are today. They cooked for us, they cleaned up after us, they dressed our wounds and taught us manners. And along the way, they left us with more than a few emotional battle scars.
But despite the many flaws of our maternal role models, most of us should thank our lucky stars. After all, it could have been worse. Much worse.
Just take a look at this list of abusers, murderers, and straight-up sociopaths. You'll be kissing your momma's feet in no time, even though you're still mad at her for dressing you up as a Care Bear on Halloween years ago.
10. If you're not old and boring like we are, you might not know about Mommy Dearest,
the infamous memoir in which screen legend Joan
Crawford's daughter accused her of adopting children for publicity
purposes, having countless affairs with men (and women) and forcing her
kids to call them "uncle," and generally being an unbalanced, abusive
alcoholic. Picture perfect, she was not.
9. The
African Black Eagle (a bitchy bird if there ever was one) usually lays
two eggs, then proceeds to feed only one of the chicks. What happens to
the other feathered newborn? Its sibling pecks it to death, while mom
looks on, maternal instincts be damned.
8. Whatever your mom's punishment of choice, dressing you up in a diaper and chopping off all your hair probably wasn't on her agenda. Lucky you.
7. This Oompa-Loompa wannabe reportedly took her 6-year-old daughter to the tanning booth. She claims the child never went in, but she also called her
detractors "fat and ugly." Lady, you look like one of the California
Raisins. There's a saying about a pot and a kettle that's appropriate here.
6. The
title for Florida's worst mom goes to the infamous Casey Anthony. This
hard-partying, cold-hearted bitch will live in infamy as one of the
great monsters of her time. Even if you don't think she's guilty
(anyone, anyone?), only a she-devil would be out raging it after her
baby went missing. And she's walking free. Winner.
5. Breast
feeding might be the latest politically correct battle of wills -- and the latest mothering trend on South Beach -- but
does this innocent 3-year-old have to suffer? The poor kid will never live this photo down.
4. While the kid is f'ing hilarious, this whack job mom is less than funny. Pumping your six-year-old full of Red Bull and Mountain Dew and parading her around on a stage in a belly shirt?! Crazysauce.
3. Botox: every aging 8-year-old's best friend. At least according to this crazy procreator. Sadly, some Miami moms can probably relate.
2. OK, she's fictional. But Lucille Bluth's mind games, incessant
belittling and sibling-to-sibling war mongering were pretty
unforgettable. Her malicious motives are all that much more relevant
since we hear she may be returning to our TV (or computer) screens.
1. Ahhhh Nadia Suleman, how we've missed your ridiculous antics. The Octomom's latest ludicrous act is bankruptcy filing -- reportedly just days after paying more than $500 for a haircut. Did we mention she's considering porn as a future career? Yeah, we're sure her 14 kids are in excellent hands.
Staring
at the tanning mom's wrinkled prune of a face or reading about the
exploits of Octomom puts your mom's passive-aggressive insults and
absurd expectations into perspective, doesn't it? So give the old lady a
call this Sunday. And if you're looking for the words to tell her how you feel, Tupac's got you covered:
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