Joey Porter’s Solution To The Financial Crises: Grab A Shovel

via SI Enough about what our congressional delegates and candidates think about the financial crises. Is Ileana Ros-Lehtinen a three time Pro Bowl selection? Does Mario Diaz-Balart have a Super Bowl ring? Did Raul Martinez deliver the Patriot’s first regular season loss in 21 games? Nope. So what does Dolphins…

Pat Riley’s Worldwide Takeover Is Nearly Complete

With the NBA season a few weeks away comes yesterday’s news that Randy Pfund has resigned his position as general manager of the Miami Heat. All the right things were said via statements from both parties. Pfund thanked owner Mickey Arison and team president Pat Riley for “the opportunity.” Riley,…

Ping pong, or as the Chinese say: “Ping pong”

Since it became an Olympic Sport in 1988, America has never won a medal in table tennis. It’s the kind of thing that makes Eagles cry. All we really have to our credit is making the definitive movie of the sport, Balls of Fury. But that’s the effort of Hollywood,…

Escape Reality With Football

After what is sure to be a dramatic Presidential debate tonight, it’ll be relaxing to follow some contests where the winner won’t decide the fate of our nation. The dick sandwich servin’, pig flyin’ Dolphins have a bye this week, but the city’s two college teams should keep your mind…

Pigs Fly, Dolphins Hailed as Innovators of the NFL

To file under “Shit We Would Not Have Wagered A Single Nickel On One Week Ago”: In offices cluttered with Xs-and-Os and in pungent locker-rooms across America, the nation’s great offensive minds have been up late all week feverishly studying the latest mad geniuses of the National Football League. The…

One Of These Things Looks Like The Other

via Look Liker Look Liker, a very important website that exists solely to provide the valuable service of pointing out that from certain angles various persons of note somewhat resemble each other, brought us the news yesterday that Dolphins QB Chad Pennington sorta, kinda looks like reigning geek hero of…

The Dolphins Would Like to Invite the Naysayers to Eat a Dick Sandwich

The Miami Dolphins shocked the world Sunday, defeating the mighty New England Patriots in Foxboro 38-13. Ronnie Brown accounted for all five touchdowns, leading the previously hapless Fins in their Ike Turner-esque bitch slap of the Patriots in New England. The victory ended the Pats’ 21-regular season game winning streak…

Another Weekend Of Football Hell

Surveying the bleak desert that is football in this town each week is depressing, but Riptide took its Prozac. Outside of some sort of miracle, the Canes may be the only bright spot. Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots (Sunday, 1 pm on CBS4) The National Football League is for…

The Heat Is On (For Another Rocky Season?)

Miami sports fans can be forgiven if they’ve already pulled out the brown paper bags, covered their heads and collapsed trembling into the fetal position for the rest of the month. The Marlins tanked in August. The Canes rolled over and died in Gainesville. And the Dolphins? May the good…

Dolphins Take On Cardinals

via Blue Buddies The ‘Canes and the Golden Panthers are both off this weekend so it falls to one team to embarrass Miami football fans. That’s one task the Dolphins might actually be up to. They’ll travel to Arizona to take on the Cardinals. The Cards haven’t won both of…

Warren Sapp is Classy

via Tampa Bay Former UM player and future “Dancing With The Stars” contestant Warren Sapp called UF Football Coach Urban Meyer “a classless dirtbag” earlier today. Some UM fans, Sapp said, are angry the Gators went for a field goal late in the fourth quarter of last weekend’s game in…

Judge Jeri Cohen Wins Election, Approves Ballpark. Sleazy?

Is it just me, or did anyone else in Miami-Dade connect Judge Jeri Cohen’s recent reelection and her decision to approve the Marlins ballpark as a “public purpose” on Tuesday. Cohen’s ruling was a model of contradictions, citing the Marlins refusal to make their finances public and the uselessness of…

We Are All Lindsay Lohans Now

Ok, maybe not all of us. Just the Miami Hurricanes! In a post that is meant to finally bridge the gap between Sports Illustrated devotees and In Touch Weekly readers 8 Donkeys pairs the ACC teams with their logical female celebrity counterparts. The ‘Canes apparently are the gridiron manifestation of…

Dolphins Lose, Pennington Sucks

Around the middle of the third quarter Sunday, nine Miami-Dade cops marched into my section at the Dolphins game and dragged off a vociferous Jets fan, who flashed the crowd a victory sign as he headed for the calaboose. That kinda said it all. Sunday’s Dolphin game, which the team…

Drama on the Gridiron: Dolphins vs. Jets

Favre loosing the Mary bowl. The Dolphins-Jets rivalry is always heated, but things got extra spicy during the off season when the Jets signed a promising little quarterback by the name of Brett Favre (keep an eye on this guy, he could be going places!) and dropped long time QB…

Canes vs. Gators, Wowza!

It’s college football’s best part-time rivalry, Miami Hurricanes versus Florida Gators — but the Gators have been left with out a win since 1985. The last time the teams played was New Year’s Eve 2004 in the Peach Bowl. This time though the tables are turned as the Gators are…

Marlins Upgraded to a Category 5 Shitstorm

Seems like only yesterday the Marlins were coming back against teams, overcoming seemingly insurmountable deficits and generally making life miserable for the Mets and Phillies while making a run at history. The Marlins were within grasp of the NL East. Now, they’re a walking disaster. Coming out of the All-Star…

That’s Mr. Ocho Cinco To You

via Sportaphile 86’d Johnson for 85 With 99 to 1 odds that the Dolphins will win the Super Bowl, it’s just too depressing to think about them. Until they improve I’ll keep my attention on a certain Cinicinati Bengal’s wide receiver from Liberty City who makes my head hurt too,…

Hurricanes Make Their Dolphin Stadium Debut Tonight

via Dolphin Stadium Randy Shannon probably would have scheduled a pee wee football team as the opponent in the Hurricanes’ Dolphin Stadium debut tonight if he could have gotten away with it. Instead they’re facing FCS (formerly known as Division I-AA) team Charleston Southern. The CSU Bucaneers are 0-4 against…