News Roundup: Fins’ Will Allen Gets Douchiest DUI Ever

Sources tell CBS4 that businessman Carlos Migoya will be named Miami’s new city manager. [CBS4]11 wild horses in Hialeah were captured this weekend. [CBS4]Kim Rothstein was still collecting rent on houses that had been forfeited to the government. [NBCMiami]SportsDolphins cornerback Will Allen got arrested early Saturday morning for …ugh… driving his Ferrari drunk on…

Sources Say Miami City Manager Pete Hernandez Has Resigned

Miami City Manager Pete Hernandez has handed in his resignation, two of Riptide’s sources at City Hall have confirmed. Herandez’s ouster is a major victory for Mayor Tomas Regalado, clearing the way for Regalado to bring in an ally to fill the slot. Sources say that Regalado confronted Hernandez yesterday about…

Mitt Romney Fails to Have LMFAO Arrested After Airplane Scuffle

We haven’t had much love for Mitt Romney since he visited here in a guayabera, bungled a bunch of local politicians’ names, and accidentally quoted Fidel Castro, but we sure as hell don’t have love for LMFAO. The “I’m in Miami, Bitch!” hit-makers are just the absolute worst, and if we…

Marco Rubio Loves Waterboarding and Is Satan Because of It

Does Marco Rubio love torture? The Washington Post’s Dana Milbank sure seems to think so.During Rubio’s CPAC speech yesterday, the crowd of conservative activists couldn’t get enough of shouting, “Marco! Marco! Marco!” “That Marco cheer always worries me because I’m always afraid that someone is going to starting screaming ‘Polo’ and would ruin…

Conch Horn Confiscated at Miami-Duke Basketball Game

Not only did Hurricanes basketball blow a first-half lead and lost to Duke, but also a fan blew his conch and lost it to security.The Canes’ student section doesn’t get a lot of credit during basketball season, but Blue Devils coach Mike Krzyzewski got pissed at a conch horn in…

Miami Is the Sixth Most Miserable City in America

We dreamed a dream in time gone by. When hope was high and life worth living. But the corrupt politicians come at night with their voices soft as thunder. As they tear your mortgages apart and they turn your job to shame.Yes, we here in Miami are apparently les misérables…

News Roundup: Lil Wayne Gets Eight Root Canals

Lil Wayne had his sentencing delayed so he could return to Miami for oral surgery. Well, TMZ said he underwent a marathon session yesterday and got eight — yes, eight! — root canals. You’d think that would be punishment enough for his weapon charges, but he’ll still likely spend eight…

Christophe Le Canne’s Ghost Bike Removed, Cyclists Upset

Last week, county officials removed a mounted “ghost bike” — the cycling equivalent of a tombstone — from Bear Cut Bridge, near Virgina Key. The spray-painted road bike had been dedicated to Christophe Le Canne, the 44-year old who was killed by a wealthy, drunk-driving musician named Carlos Bertonatti one…

No Boozer or Big Trade for Miami; Wade’s OK, But Will He Stay?

It was already clear that we wouldn’t be getting Amar’e, but last minute rumors that The Heat might be landing Carlos Boozer from the Utah Jazz appeared to be unfounded.”That was like, huh, what?” Jazz general manager Kevin O’Connor said this afternoon, according to the Deseret News.So that means no…

Miami-Dade Ranked 11th Healthiest County in Florida; #1 in Category That Takes Risky Sexy, Drinking into Account

Well, here’s something slightly counter-intuitive. Miami-Dade county is apparently the 11th healthiest out of Florida’s 67 counties. What’s more is that we ranked the healthiest in the state in “Health Behaviors,” a category that takes into account smoking, binge drinking and risky sex.CountyHealthRankings.org found that Miamians’ rates for tobacco smoking,…

News Roundup: Heat Edge Nets, but Dwyane Wade Injured

7th Graders from St. Thomas Catholic Middle School joined President Obama at the White House as he made a call to astronauts on the International Space Station yesterday. [NBCMiami]The State has decided to challenge a local judge’s decision to allow a lesbian couple to adopt a child. [Herald]Just what South…