Six Surprising Facts About Your First-Place Marlins

1. The Marlins are tied for first in the NL East Normally we’d start off with some sort of introduction, but the introduction here is the first surprising fact. Your Miami Marlins are somehow tied for first in their division with the Washington Nationals. Granted, the Atlanta Braves are only…

Rick Scott Still Wants to Drug-Test Poor People

At this point, Gov. Rick Scott has turned into your embarrassing uncle who won’t stop ranting at dinner about how the government should drug-test everyone, no matter how clearly you explain that such a plan definitely violates the Constitution. Except in this case, it’s the federal court system that keeps…

Gulliver Schools: Unlikely Setting for Big Fraud

The doctor and the lawyer showed up at Opa-locka Executive Airport ready for a fight. As they rolled down the tarmac toward the yawning hangars, the pair was well past the boiling point. For months, they’d dealt with evasions and lies, and now — after weeks of detailed forensic accounting…

From Pizza Hat to Mash Donald’s, Knockoff Fast Food Reigns Abroad

Sebastian Gonzales is a 28-year-old former defensive end at Florida International University who knows how to eat. And when it comes to fast food, his allegiances are crystal-clear. “I was obsessed with Chicken Kitchen and addicted to their food,” he says of the South Florida chain. “I was eating there…

Biscayne Park’s Temp Top Cop Once Suspended for Boozing With Babes

Let’s play trivia. Today’s topic: laughably inept local governments. Can you name the Miami-Dade village that mysteriously suspended its top three cops March 27? No, not Sweetwater. That was then-mayor Manny Maroño, who was busted for taking bribes. No, not Homestead. There, it was Mayor Steve Bateman arrested for unlawful…

Little River Drive-By Shooting Baffles Resident

On a recent Friday afternoon, Orvil Delisson sat on a crate in front of his family’s small ranch house in Little River. He looked relaxed in an unbuttoned Hawaiian-style shirt, white shorts, and sandals. A few feet away, a pink-and-purple girls’ bicycle lay toppled on its side. Then Delisson lifted…

Florida’s 12th-Graders Are Really, Really Bad at Math

Only 20 percent of Florida’s 12th-graders in public schools are considered proficient at math. For those of you bad at math, that means only one out of five. For those of you really, really bad at math, pick your favorite member of One Direction and pretend he’s the only one…

305 Photo of the Day: Beach Day

Today’s photo comes from SoStreetsAhead’s Flickr. If you’d like to see your photo here join our Flickr group. Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes…

Miami Ranked Third Most Stressed American City

You’d think a place where world travelers flock to lie around on the beach would be in a constant state of paradise-induced relaxation for its residents. Of course, anyone who calls Miami home knows that isn’t always the case. In fact, real estate blog Movoto has ranked Miami the third…

Newspaper Headline Claims Heat Literally Castrated Nets

The Miami Heat destroyed the Brooklyn Nets last night, but as far as we know, the Nets players’ testicles are still anatomically intact. Unless, of course, the Evansville Courier and Press knows something we don’t. See also: Miami Herald Runs Macy’s Ad Congratulating Heat on Winning NBA Title…

Four Miami Men Arrested in Cuba on Terrorism Charges

Cuba’s government-controlled media has announced the arrest of four Miami men accused of plotting terrorism on the island. José Ortega Amador, Obdulio Rodríguez González, Raibel Pacheco Santos, and Félix Monzón Álvarez are currently behind bars after being arrested on April 26 according to the Communist Party newspaper Granma, though exact…

Why You Should Care About Guardianship Abuse

New Times cover stories usually need no introduction. They are often straightforward profiles of the insane characters cluttering South Florida: a murderous male porn star, an internet Lolita, or a washed up professional football player now obsessed with orca whales. This week’s feature is a bit different, however. Yes, there…

Miami-Based FBI Agent Arrested in Pakistan on Weapons Charges

Just after 4 p.m. on Monday, a man tried to board a Pakistan International Airlines flight in Karachi that was bound for the capital, Islamabad. Before he could enter, though, security officials searching his luggage say they found an ammunition bag with more than a dozen live rounds and a…

FIU Soccer Player Caught With Nearly Two Pounds of Weed

An officer on patrol in suburban Virginia Gardens last week noticed “the distinct and unique odor of unburnt cannabis” coming from a parked 2000 Mercury Grand Marquis. Like any good weed-smelling cop, he stopped to investigate. In the driver’s seat, he found 23-year-old Luke Bray, a redshirt senior on the…

Doral Walmart Is the Busiest Walmart in the Country

If you’re wondering why Walmart was so desperate to build its first store within the City of Miami limits at Midtown, it’s probably because its stores in other parts of the county are so damn popular. In fact, the Doral Walmart has the highest sales of any store in the…