Shopping & Services

OK, fellas, if you want to get into Louis or Mynt, both on Collins Avenue, pleated khakis and an Oxford are not gonna cut it. We suggest you jettison your faux pas style while cruising Biscayne Boulevard and pull into U.D. Stylelab Miami, the perfect one-stop boutique for banging jeans, T-shirts, hats, CDs, jewelry, toys, and gadgets. This place takes pride in stocking wares you are not going to find at any other fashion boutiques around town. We recommend that you buy a sick pair of Anama jeans and match them up with a wicked tee by Envy Evolution, Kid Dangerous, or Alkemy. Then add a couple of slamming accessories, such as that Goorin Bros. plaid brim and a pair of Forero cuffs — pounded and riveted bracelets made of mid-century metal found in salvage yards. But be ready to drop some coin. Clothes and accessories start around $60. Jeans average between $97 and $275. If you're lucky, you'll score something cool off one of the boutique's sale racks, which at times have items for 70 percent off. U.D. Stylelab is open Monday through Wednesday from 11 a.m. to 9 p.m., Thursday from 11 a.m. to 10 p.m., Friday and Saturday from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m., and Sunday from noon to 9 p.m.

Courtney Williams is rummaging through a bottom cabinet inside Project 51 in Coconut Grove. He pulls out an alien-looking boot in a moss green, violet purple, and night black color motif. The heavyset sneaker pimp proudly holds up a Nike Convoy Huarache basketball shoe, circa 1993. "I had a pair just like these when I was a kid," Williams explains. "I dogged them out. I found this pair two years ago on eBay." Ten months ago, Williams converted his sneaker love into a business, opening up the first specialty store of its kind in the Grove. "I was going to open on the Beach," Williams says, "but then I realized the Grove didn't have anything like this." Indeed, Project 51 is like walking into a candy store, except the sweets are the multicolored Adidas, Nike, Puma, and Supra athletic shoes lined up on the rainbow-hued shelves. "I'm a sneaker collector," Williams says enthusiastically. "I collect them like crazy. You are not gonna find these shoes at Foot Locker or Champs." And his eye for exclusive kicks can't be doubted. He has stocked the limited-edition ?uestlove gold pack Nike Dunks. The Portland sneaker maker produced only 200 of them. "Those sold out quick," Williams notes. But there are still plenty of other tight sneakers to choose from, including a nice selection of skateboard sneakers by Supra, which have gained notoriety since Lil Wayne has been sporting them. Of course, buying a sweet pair of kicks requires that you find an equally dope T-shirt to match the ensemble. Project 51 has you covered there too, carrying underground labels such as Kidrobot, 10.Deep, DGK, and Crew. You can check out Project 51 Monday through Wednesday from noon to 9 p.m. and Thursday through Saturday from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m.

Maybe you make this mistake. Every year during the holiday season, you shop for gifts for your friends and family at the places you like to shop, instead of the places they shop. We do this all the time, and usually we wind up at Base. The place is a one-stop shop for the hip-junkies of any type who need their fix. For kiddies, there's a wide array of vinyl designer toys. For music lovers, there's a well-curated "music bar" stocked with the latest dance mixes and chilled-out albums. For folks with bare coffee tables, there's a never-ending supply of books that would look amazing on them. There are clothes, shoes, perfumes, jewelry, DVDs, accessories, furniture, art, and other random items. It's kind of amazing all of this fits into such a small space. But be warned — this place isn't for everyone. Grandma never did put up that complete collection of Dunnys we got her. And Mom hasn't even opened the book we gave her three years ago about the Dadaist movement. So, we've made peace with the fact that our family isn't as fashionable as we'd hoped. Nowadays, we get them Chili's gift cards and hope for money in return so we can shop at Base for ourselves.

Face it. Not everyone is suffering from the effects of the economic downturn. For people looking to still spend cash indiscriminately on high-end clothing without looking like a complete jackass for dressing ostentatiously in these hard times, the Adidas Y-3 store in the Design District might be their best bet. Japanese designer Yohji Yamamoto pairs up with the German sports apparel brand to create clothing that is simple yet gorgeously designed — think athletic and casual clothing that's too nice to actually work out in. Most items are priced well above $100, so there is no bargain shopping here. And because the exclusive Y-3 stores aren't scattered around the country like your neighborhood American Apparel, fashion repeats are virtually nil.

So, after years of breaking up and then making up, you've decided she's the girl for you. Now you must find that sparkling diamond engagement ring that is gonna make her say, "Hell, yeah!" We suggest you take a trip to the Seybold Building in downtown Miami, where more than 280 jewelers are ready to help you make sure you don't mess up and come home with something that resembles a trinket out of a Cracker Jack box. Built by Miami pioneer John William Gottloeb Seybold in 1914, the building has entrances on Flagler and First streets. Once inside, you'll have to squint a bit to overcome all the glistening baubles on display. The Seybold Building is the second-largest jewelry building in the United States. You will find an unparalleled selection of diamond rings where jewelers value quality over quantity. For more than 30 years, millions of people have turned to the jewelers inside the Seybold Building to help them find the perfect gifts for the significant people in their lives. Or maybe you feel like buying the diamond and having the ring made. Well, amid the 200 tiny workshops and boutiques, you will find spaces occupied by diamond cutters, gem setters, and gold dealers who can help you make a unique ring. For example, you could visit diamond dealer H&Y Diamonds on the tenth floor, where you can find rough and cut rocks from across the globe. After selecting a fantastic stone, take the elevator one floor down, where setters such as Ernesto Ercilla will charge you $2.50 to mount small stones or from $25 to $35 to set a two-carat stone. And if you don't want the hassle of searching for a parking spot, there's valet service. The Seybold is open Monday through Saturday from 9:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.

The baubles at Jackie Abraham & Co. are wearable works of art. The diamonds scream for your attention, while the cool platinums dare you not to look. Face it — if you flip off someone while wearing a jewel-encrusted panther upon your middle finger, the recipient of your gesture will know you mean business. The same thing goes for a pair of $222,000 platinum and diamond drop earrings, except you don't even have to move — your enemy will be blinded by all the ice. Abraham has been bedazzling the Magic City since 1993 with his distinctive designs and collections of mid- to high-end estate jewelry, which includes pendants, watches, rings, bracelets, and necklaces. Maybe you can't pull off a quarter-size hunk of turquoise encased in white gold, but with hundreds of chic, classic, and exotic pieces to choose from, you'll find one that will surely fit.

This past March, a few clothing racks popped up in place of the never-popular washing machines at the former Laundry Bar on North Lincoln Lane in South Beach. That's because the venue — which has been revamped and renamed Black Sheep Bar — is now more than just a place to down Coronas and meet boys dressed like girls. Inside, these days, you can simultaneously sip a cocktail and browse for a skimpy purple bikini, a classic black blazer, or an animal print dress. In the back, Shop Bar showcases a small but stellar collection of local student designers and several rolling racks filled with secondhand treasures. Pieces include a so-wacky-it's-hip dolphin-print disco shirt, a knockoff '50s polka-dot dress, and a vintage sweater with a simple sailboat print. Co-creator Carolina Benitez, a 24-year-old recent Art Institute of Miami grad, personally plucks items from consignment stores from Hialeah to Miami Springs. Prices range from $15 for a sweater to $135 for a sundress. "It's for people who like experimenting with the '60s, '70s, and '80s in their own modern context," Benitez says. "But it's also about community; we want people to come in and hang out." Hours are Monday through Wednesday by appointment, and Thursday through Sunday from noon to 9 p.m.

Being broke has an upside: You generally pay less taxes, know about the coolest free stuff in the city, and have an excuse to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. Then there's the downside. Like, say, when you spot a gorgeous green jacket in the window of Marni, peek at the price, and realize it's worth more than your car. Still, fashionistas with disposable income will fall in love with this low-key, high-priced boutique on the corner of NE Second Avenue and 39th Street in the Design District. Among the collection: quirky old lady-print tanks, knee-length dresses in Jackie Onassis cuts, and hand-sewn designer bohemian accessories. Think Anthropologie's classy (possibly Italian) older sister. Most garments look as if they've been yanked from the runway — only you don't have to be a twig to find something that fits: knee-length layered skirts ($885), chunky wood-beaded necklaces ($990), and simple, sophisticated slacks ($750). Just be careful about developing a Marni obsession; you might have to take out a second mortgage.

We thought Jane Jetson's interior design aesthetic was an unattainable vision of what the year 3000 would bring to our homes. The lines were both hard and soft, straight and curved — in other words, oh so unlike the tufted disasters sitting in our own living room. Ultimately, we didn't have to wait a thousand years to follow in Jane's furniture footsteps, and stores such as Modani are making the style accessible to the masses. This haven of modern, minimalist furniture is the Design District's answer to "Dude, where's my coffee table/couch/ottoman/bed/desk/etc.?" Each piece is stripped down to its most basic features, without sacrificing great style or breaking the bank. Take the Belini modern bed, a structure made of wood and white or orange Italian silk, which effortlessly says "chic" while its $690 price tag says "buy me." Or the queen ball chair, a white cocoon with blood-red cushions that look so cushy they practically beg you to sit down. Whether you're outfitting an entire home or simply injecting a little mod with one or two pieces, you won't go wrong if you take your design cues from Jane.

Miami has so many waterways that it would seem appropriate if residents got boats when they reach the legal driving age. But time, money, and an overall dislike of having to anchor your vessel might deter you from actually purchasing one. Luckily, Club Nautico has an entire fleet of powerboats and luxury yachts to rent for four or eight hours. You can take the yellow-paneled Buddy's Joy, a 23-footer, for a sunset ride to Stiltsville, or jet to Brickell on the 34-foot Primetime for an expensive lunch. Some models have convenient swim platforms, others feature full galleys and wet bars, but none comes with Dramamine, so bring your own. With prices starting at $899 for a half-day (and specials on Tuesday and Wednesday), you and your homies can definitely afford to spend some time on the high seas. Just don't let that kid Gilligan take the wheel.

Many South Beach scooter rental joints are guilty of shilling the same Japanese-born vessels, which is an absolute shame, because when you're coasting down Ocean Drive with your hair blowing in the wind, you want to be in something exclusive. Beach Scooters gets it and has a fleet of 49cc and 250cc two-wheelers that will get you from point A to B in some serious style. Plunk down a $300 security deposit to try out a candy apple red Malaguti or a sick black Strata, and do SoBe the best way imaginable — on two wheels made for city coasting. And if you're more into four-wheeled motion, Beach Scooters is the only place to find Hummer, Escalade, and Roadster electric cars. Round up a few friends and get into one of these convertible mini luxury cars without guzzling gas. Because, you know, riding those two-wheeled thingamajigs is torture after downing a Superman from Wet Willie's.

The last time Austin's Diving Center made the news was back in 2002, when the FBI issued an alert that terrorists were seeking "an offensive scuba diver capability." The FBI checked out more than 1,300 scuba shops across the nation, including Austin's, and pretty much came up with zilch. They're still looking for those weapons of mass destruction too.

The thing is, it doesn't really matter if Austin's is in the news or not — locals know it's the best place for scuba gear. If you need snorkeling equipment, they've got it. They've got underwater cameras, metal detectors, fins — pretty much anything you'd need for diving.

And if you're looking for a spear gun, they have 60 different models in stock, which is more than anybody in South Florida.

Just don't blow up anything.

You know that saying, "One man's trash is another man's treasure"? Well, week-old milk and scratched James Bond DVDs sort of disprove that one. But over at Urban Garden, a charming, slightly kitschy art studio-meets-furniture shop on NE 79th Street, the ponytailed, Coral Gables-born artist in residence, William Valanilla and Peter Caruso, may as well have invented the idiom. He has spent most of his life turning junk into one-of-a-kind, useful home décor. Chandeliers are molded from bulky electrical wires. Sculptures are made using an abandoned mannequin and old car keys. A portrait of Christ emerges from a tossed piece of plywood. And none of this comes across in a pretentious next-big-Basel-project kind of way. The place smells like Grandma's moth balls, is always out of toilet paper, and is filled with the types of paintings and 1950s trinkets that will keep you browsing for hours on a rainy day. When we say "junk," we mean it only as the highest form of compliment.

In that ironic way that makes perfect sense only to Miamians, one of the county's busiest independent garages is parked in the least car-friendly neighborhood outside of downtown. Shorty & Fred's has serviced the needs of Miami Beach's drivers since 1956, when the city had way fewer cars fighting for precious spots. Although Fred long ago sold out, and Shorty left us for better pastures just a few years back, Shorty's son, Nelson, carries on the tradition of service that keeps customers coming back with their oil leaks and intermittent pings decade after decade. So, how do you really know when a mechanic isn't out to cheat you? When he turns your business away. Unless it's something vital to your safety, Nelson and crew will tell you when you don't have to get something fixed right away. They just have too much real business to waste effort on phony repairs — so while they might charge a little more than the cheap place across town, you definitely pay only for what you need, and they'll get it done fast. The queue generally forms on Alton Road every weekday before 8 a.m., so get there early.

Cycling enthusiasts come in many varieties. There are those who love the racetrack and those who prefer mountain trails. With so many biking alternatives around, there's bound to be some confusion when getting a new set of wheels. Thankfully, that's not the case at Bell's Bicycles, the place to go for all cycling categories. Whether you are just starting out or are an old hand, Bell's will have exactly what you are looking for. Prices start at less than a $370 for a quality beginner's bike and go up from there, depending on your level of expertise. The shop also specializes in the brands Giant, GT, and Jamis, among the top bicycle culture manufacturers in the world. And to top it off, Bell's boasts an awesome bike repair/maintenance annex that provides low-cost service. A well-stocked neighborhood bike shop with a mom-and-pop feel, Bell's is the perfect place to get (and fix) your wheels.

Never trust a bike shop owner who's got his Benz parked behind the store. As a matter of fact, steer clear of bike shops with bright fluorescents, shelves stuffed with rich-man's gadgets, and bikes that cost as much as a car. Cuba Bike Shop, ironically named because the owner is Colombian, keeps it simple. Picture a sunlit warehouse on Wynwood's western border with more space devoted to the building, maintenance, and repair of bicycles than to showcasing them. Now walk on in, check out the inventory, or make an offer on a Frankenbike cobbled from parts in the cycle graveyard. A steady stream of locals and regulars will join you in the shop to haggle, barter, and wheel and deal with owner Ricardo for their next two-wheel expenditure. The process involves no high-pressure sales tactics from juiced-up, camel-backed cyclotrons; it's just easy commerce with a neighborhood legend. Cuba Bike Shop is a humble operation that provides a quality product for folks on a budget. Prices range from dirt-cheap to mid-dollar, so whether you seek a neighborhood beater or a trek-worthy road warrior, Cuba Bike Shop has you covered.

Ancient peoples used piercing as a way to protect themselves from evil spirits, yet today we use it as a way to look more badass. There's something about a bar through the bridge of your nose that makes grandmas clutch their purses and bad-boy-lovin' beauties cream themselves. Since we were born with a set number of holes in our bodies, and sticking a diamond stud into your armpit is no fun, the piercing salon is a necessary piece of the rebellious puzzle. You'll want to make sure the joint is clean and all of the equipment is too — two things that you don't have to worry about at the Industry. This sleek shop outfitted in black and red is the place to get fly, get tatted, and, of course, get holey. This isn't your mall Piercing Pagoda — the pros here can put holes where you didn't know they could exist. Ladies can take a walk on the sexy side and get the "corset," a collection of bars that run up your back, lace-up style. The Industrial — a bar across the top of the ear — will run you $80, and the traditional lobe poke is just $20. Getting pierced, um, down there, can cost you up to $300. Ouch.

When Amir Youseff and his brother Big Ed decided they were gonna open a barbershop in the 305 two years ago, the New Jersey natives banked on a name that would bring instant brand recognition. So they created the Chop Shop, a men's hair- and beard-trimming spot that incorporates the look and feel of an automobile body shop, where the employees treat your mane like it was a tricked-out 1966 Chevy Impala, giving it the finest touchups a sweet ride deserves. Customers lounge in leather bucket racecar seats while they wait. Industrial-size Craftsman tool boxes replace traditional barber counters. Faux body shop garage doors in the rear of the space add a final touch to the motif. "We pay a lot of attention to detail," Youseff says. "We try to make our shop as comfortable as possible for the client." Today, the Chop Shop is a hustling, bustling spot where celebrities such as former NBA star Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway, rock star Lenny Kravitz, boxer Shannon Briggs, and hip-hop music video director Gil Green have stopped in to get a cut. But don't let the star-studded photos on the wall intimidate you. There is nothing pretentious about this place. All customers get the same love as celebs: The wall facing the "Wall of Fame" is crowded with Polaroids of the everyday joes who frequent the Chop Shop. Explains Youseff: "We want the regular guy to be treated the same way."

If you've ever had to hold down a squirming, screaming child for a trim, Kids or Not is the place for you. The salon offers a fun environment for kids' haircuts: Children sit in toy racecars while kid-friendly stylists cut and style their hair. It also offers nail painting, hair accessories, and birthday parties in a "Princess" section of the shop. Kids or Not, which also caters to adults, aims to make haircuts an exciting experience rather than a dreaded chore.

Once upon a time, there was a little princess born with a wild mess of thick, coily locks. As she grew up, all of the pretty, fair-haired maidens in the kingdom laughed and pointed at her. Some yelled, "Rat's nest!" and threw bottles of straightening gel at her head. Fearing she'd never find a prince, she spent hundreds of dollars on irons and smoothing products. Then, one day, she stumbled into GBS Salon in Coral Gables. There a friendly effeminate Cuban stylist convinced her he could magically transform her kinky straggles. He explained he had been trained just for the occasion — that he'd studied the DevaCut (created by celebrity stylist Lorraine Massey, author of Curly Girl). So the princess felt safe as he dry-cut her mop, thinning each spiral individually into a shapely sculpture. Afterward, she looked in the mirror and — poof — a flowing stream of shiny curls sat obediently at her shoulders. She paid him $80, tipped well, and was out the door before he could ask, "Want to hunt for princes together?"

Ever since the ancient Egyptians discovered that a unibrow limited one's dates, both men and women have been torturing themselves to achieve smooth, hairless skin. With multiple locations across town, Uni.K.Wax has been keeping South Floridians baby-ass smooth the past 15 years by using their patented green herbal wax that makes the process pain-free. Even if you aspire to be as supple to the stroke as Dr. Evil's wrinkled pussy, Mr. Bigglesworth, these folks can lay waste to your follicles head to toe, but their eyebrow treatment is fast and only $16.

A few years ago, Pilates broke into the collective consciousness of fit Americans looking for the latest trend. However, the practice has been in use since World War I, when founder Joseph Pilates developed the techniques to help rehabilitate injured vets. We know, you don't give a damn about how it came about — results, results, results is what you want. How are increased flexibility, graceful range of motion, perfected posture, and long, lean muscles? If those results are good enough for building the bods of boxers, ballerinas, and B-list celebs, it sounds like a program we can believe in. And if gym-grown muscles scare you, Pilates gives you all of the strength with none of the bulk. Naomi Lowit, board-certified instructor and owner of NOMI Pilates, brings an A-list experience to the masses and gives Miami girls and guys the beach bods of their dreams. Lowit offers introductory sessions for just $300, which buys three private classes and three with a group — the perfect price and strategy to get you on the road to sexy.

Sure, there are plenty of fancy-pants spas in town, but with the recession threatening to crater the world as we know it, we've got to keep our splurges within reason. And there's no better place for working girls looking to indulge in an orgy of hedonistic excess than this soothing health retreat. It's a full day's pampering fit for a queen. Nouvelle offers services ranging from facials to manicures, pedicures, massages, and exotic spa packages anyone can afford. Need to tighten your sagging skin for wedding photos? Check out Nouvelle's strong herbal peel, using a custom blend of proteins, silicates, sea salt, and calcium guaranteed to knock years off of that weary mug.

Staffed by doctors Albert Aran and Adam Stelzer, two of Florida's finest eye surgeons, this über-friendly, state-of-the-art practice will tweak your peepers into 20/20 perfection in super-fast time. Thousands of their clients, who have ditched their contacts and eyeglasses to become free of their Mr. Magoo-like fumbling, swear by these guys. The procedure is quick, uncomplicated, and painless, and the center offers free consultations. Best of all, you can charge the procedure on a credit card, be out in a flash, and even claim the surgery as a deductible when you file that income tax.

Overzealous lovers of vodkas and gins and cognacs are called alcoholics no matter which way you slice it, but wine lovers' affection for their potion is so severe they have their own cute little moniker: wino. These grape-loving creatures roam the Earth searching for a vine from the right place at the right time. They twirl wine glasses, looking at legs and sniffing the head. They let the juice coat their tongues and, finally, let it trickle down their throats. Mmmmm. Bin No. 18 is an enophile's dream. A cadre of more than 50 varieties of wine (priced $24 to $110) from across the globe lines the right wall of the restaurant, begging you to try a flight for lunch or six for dinner. Merlot maniacs and Riesling rioters alike can choose their poison from a list that categorizes by Lean and Racy, Stylish and Palatable, or Elegant and Round. Or you could lay back and be a lush while one of the waiters chooses the best grape to pair with your dinner of eight-ounce Angus New York strip or filet mignon. You can try the Verdejo from Spain or a Sangiovese from Italy, and you won't even need your passport. The icing on this drunken cake: The bottles are priced at up to 50 percent off retail, and this full-service bistro serves delicious food.

It's 2 p.m. on a Tuesday and you're craving something stronger than the 2 percent milk in your fridge. You tell yourself a bit of Belvedere would be nice, a shot of Scotch even more proper, and a jigger of Jäger would be right on time. The problem? You're home alone, in a full body cast, and controlling everything around you with a long stick outfitted with a prosthetic hand. The solution? Call up M & B Liquors and have a bottle of your favorite spirits delivered to your bedside. Every type of firewater is fair game, from wine to beer, liquor, and a $1,799.99 bottle of Louis XIII. You may think that liquor delivery is excessive, but this is South Beach, baby, and nothing is too convenient. Have the kind folks at M & B bring your sauce to the beach, the pool, or your mom's house on Passover. As long as your location is in Miami Beach from First to 40th Street, consider yourself served.

This friendly Little Havana booze emporium is well stocked and open from 9 a.m. to midnight year-round. Locals often gather at the counter for a complimentary shot of the weekly "specials" and to help Guillermo, the owner, with his crossword and jigsaw puzzles while arguing for hours on end about Hugo Chávez and his new chum Obama.

Brave Guede has everything from voodoo dolls and the pins to prick them to herbal flu and impotence remedies, but the highlight of this mystical one-stop in the heart of Little Haiti is the vast behind-the-counter collection of oils. Tiny $5 vials of seemingly innocuous liquid are labeled "Quick Money" or "Destroy Everything," and resident priestess Marie warns that those stated powers are not to be scoffed at. Rub some of the former on your hands before a trip to an Indian casino — and the latter before dinner at the in-laws' house. There are bath gels too; with names like "Jinx Remover" and "Success Bath," these potions will make your body a temple impenetrable to evil spirits.

There's no shortage of plant nurseries in our subtropical clime, but something besides its excellent selection and reasonable prices puts Miami Beach's Log Cabin Nursery at the top of its category. The pleasant one-block complex features an open-air garden ringing the center cabin. It's also a nonprofit organization that trains and employs the developmentally disabled. An on-site "coach" helps adults through the everyday rigors and hurdles of independent living, from finding an apartment to keeping up with monthly bills and shopping for oneself. So while the plant you buy might not appreciate your purchase — you really think you're going to remember to water that azalea? — the people who sell it to you do.

Unlike skinny jeans and nerd glasses, going green is a trend everyone can rock. We don't need to mention that each ounce of environmentally friendly living is like giving Mother Earth a great big hug — but we do hear she likes hugs. A store that's participating in some major PDA and selling goods to help you do the same is Imagine Gifts. This Midtown Miami shop is a haven for organic, recycled, all-natural, and eco-friendly items from wrapping paper to jewelry. The bright, candy-colored gem of a store supports companies that are either locally owned, charitable, or pay fair-trade wages, so your overspending will always be guilt-free.

Peddle your late abuela's sterling flatware set or live by candlelight until the end of the month? To us, that decision is an easy one. With South Florida's economy about as vibrant as Kimbo Slice's fighting career, sentimentality has become an unaffordable luxury. Pawn shops are paying less for merchandise these days, but well-equipped ones such as the heavily bulletproofed Cash Inn of 79th Street — located in North Miami's unofficial Consignment District, a mile-radius area cluttered with nearly a dozen pawn shops — will still buy anything you bring in, stockpiling for a better economy. And if you're a consumer (a mythical creature at this point), now is the best time to do some vulture-shopping at Cash Inn. Buy a Cartier watch, a big-screen plasma TV set, and one of those riding lawn mowers. Then wager the thousands you won from the blackjack tables at Seminole Hard Rock. Trust us: It's a better investment than the stock market.

T.I. had to learn the hard way, but trust us when we tell you not to purchase your weaponry off the street. Sure, it'd be hard for a multiplatinum artist to fly under the radar when doing some illegal ish, but even Tom, Dick, and Harry can't be promised a smooth getaway. So where do you go to replenish your arsenal? Sunshine Air Guns and Collectibles has all of your rat-tat-tat needs covered. The shop specializes in new and vintage air guns of every design — whether you're in the mood for a Hunter Pro ($259.99) or a Baby Desert Eagle ($42), S A&C has what you need. Since 2001, owner Jorge A. Chavez has acquainted the Magic City with exotic weaponry, and some of the items in the store are from his own collection. "I started out in this business because I used to go to gun shows and people would always ask me if I was selling my pieces," Chavez explains. "Now, in addition to those, we also sell vintage guns that are very hard to find." This guy is a pro, so he can surely help you pick out a lil' NightStalker that won't knock you off of your feet with its recoil.

A brief dissertation on the ethics of consumerism during the current depression: Proposition #1: Reject high-volume manufacturing. An object's quality generally lies in inverse proportion to its availability. While this is not necessarily true of simple items (ketchup, pencils, lubricants), it becomes more and more true as the object's construction increases in difficulty (hamburgers, computers, battery-powered sex toys). Proposition #2: High volume necessitates low wages, which in turn leads to overseas production and executive compensation structure based strictly on growth in profit margins, which in turn leads to vanity license plates, niche prostitution, and a general increase in douchebag behavior across all segments of the population. Proposition #3: Douchebag-like behavior leads to corporate malfeasance. White-collar crime and nondiscretionary spending on the triumvirate of skin exfoliation, béarnaise sauce, and Asian-style massage have a one-to-one relationship. Proposition #4: Proliferation of thrift stores curbs douchebaggyness. Based on a philosophy of reuse and inherent worth, thrift has at its essence an ontological resistance to douchebags. The growth of one necessarily means the reduction of the other. Proposition #5: Give Good Works is an excellent location for thrift shopping, owing to its commitment to high turnover of product, its 501(c)(3) status, and its friendly and helpful staff. Conclusion: Supporting Give Good Works reduces the number of accidental deaths due to battery-powered sex toy malfunction.

This sprawling, 900-vendor emporium, easily spotted from the Gratigny Expressway for its industrial-yellow mosque-like domes, is a place where empires of dust, disarray, and copyright infringement are bought and sold for the price of a few wrinkled bills. Come with $40 and leave with an artificial-wood-and-leather steering wheel cover, an unlicensed Dwyane Wade jersey, a cockfighting hat, six tropical fish, a parrot, and $1.50 left over. It's the only place in South Florida where you might go for an oil change and leave with a used refrigerator. A word of advice: Spring for the dollar parking if you're female or shopping with one. The free lot requires a trudge through the mechanics' alley on the flea market's outskirts, which doubles as an "¡Oye, mami!" gauntlet.

The past decade has been nasty to brick-and-mortar record stores. Almost every week, there has been news of yet another great music shop closing up. That's why it's so refreshing to know Miami Beach's Uncle Sam's is still thriving. In business since 1984, the place remains the sweet spot for local and international DJs and music producers. The selection covers everything on the dance charts — hip-hop, house, and techno. Even better, the staff takes special orders for any of your vinyl needs. With a recently added and well-stocked used vinyl section (prices range from $5 to $10 dollars), Uncle Sam's remains the essential place for dance vinyl crate-digging.

Big-box music stores are all right, but sometimes it pays to venture into the unknown, and for musicians, the right place to set out to is North Miami's Sim Music. This neighborhood institution has three floors of new and used merchandise; from DJ equipment to amps and guitars, this place has the coolest selection of new gear. With a couple of hours to spend, you might find a used Technics SL for $300 as well as brand-new guitars and amps under the $200 mark. The staff is not only well informed but also friendly, meaning you'll get plenty of knowledge on that new purchase.

For a town that has produced a substantial stable of top-shelf writers, it's surprising there are so few bookstores in the Magic City to pay them homage. There's a Barnes & Noble here and there, but as far as independent, funky, uniquely Miami booksellers, we have only a handful of options. That said, Books & Books does what any locally owned bookstore should do, and it does it well. No, the selection doesn't stack up to those of national chains, but the shop does an excellent job of showcasing lesser-known works, and what's more, it has fostered a community of readers through its book clubs and author lecture series. There are three locations in Miami-Dade, but this year we're celebrating the new and improved Lincoln Road spot. Forced out of his storefront location by rising rents, owner Mitchell Kaplan made the best of it and actually increased the size of his café and the amount of space he can give to books when he moved to a new location (a courtyard behind his former spot). The restaurant is one of the best inexpensive places to eat on Lincoln Road, and the bookstore is pretty much the only place in Miami Beach where you can find a decent read.

The time will come when charging for wi-fi will seem as ridiculous as charging for air, yet there are still many places that will take your Hamilton if you want to check your email or watch the latest YouTube video of a cat balancing a sardine can on its nose in a hot-air balloon. Because you can't wait till you get home to watch it. We know and we understand, but damn it, don't we deserve a comfortable spot to watch that crazy cat for free? The Bookstore in the Grove is famous for being just about the only decent bookstore in the City of Miami limits, but it's also a bastion of free wi-fi. Comfortable seats, cool air, available outlets, and café cuisine that's better than the food at most of those places that end up charging you for wi-fi anyway.

Take one: A teenage boy pursues his masochistic piano teacher (The Piano Teacher). Take two: A dying Spanish fisherman fights to legalize euthanasia (The Sea Inside). Take three: A child sells himself on the streets of Brazil (Pixote). Doesn't sound like the plot of Hollywood's latest blockbuster? That's because they're all foreign-made films stocked at Lion Video, where 80,000 of the world's most brilliant and obscure movies are categorized according to country. Shot on seven continents, films are offered with both Spanish and English subtitles in a multitude of genres including documentary, comedy, gay/lesbian, and American independent. Some are imported and converted to multiregion DVD, making even the hardest-to-find niche films accessible. For lovers of the local scene, Lion also carries the widest selection in the county from the Miami International Film Festival. It's $4 for a five-day rental, and every fourth video is free. And that's a wrap.

Miami's Indian population has slim pickings when it comes to restaurants and even slimmer pickings when it comes to authentic fashion and home décor. That's why Biscayne Boulevard's Bhoom Shanti is a mini-mecca for expats and India-philes — a riotous explosion of ornate fabrics, dazzling jewelry, and heavily carved furniture housed in the corner storefront of an otherwise vanilla mixed-commercial strip mall. There are enough saris, salwars, wraps, and dresses here to clothe the cast of a Bollywood musical. And now that Slumdog Millionaire is the hottest film of the year, we've noticed more and more curious Westerners checking out stores in the quiet strip mall, seeking bindis and anklets of their own.

During special events, Bhoom Shanti brings its culture to ornate, intoxicating life. Stop by the store to sign up for the mailing list, and the ladies of Bhoom Shanti shall keep you abreast of the monthly happenings. On those enchanting evenings, Indian music resounds, the family and friends of the store's owners emerge, and you can even get your eyebrows threaded by a steady-handed expert for a mere $5. Score!

There's an old proverb that goes, "First the man takes a drink; then the drink takes the man." Whatever. At Japanese Market — a tiny stop-and-shop with a fresh, by-the-roll sushi counter — sometimes the drink is the whole point. With more than 50 brands of hot and cold sake ranging from $4 to $74 to choose from, you can pluck chilled sake from the fridge and drink at the counter while you munch a spicy tuna roll. The place is set up like an old-fashioned drugstore, except with an emphasis on food. It specializes in ingredients from Japan, such as fish sauce and canned curry. Looking for something sweet? Try the Pocky. It's a biscuit stick coated with chocolate, green tea, mint, or mango for $2 to $3. Or opt for Hi-chew, a fruity Starburst-like candy that comes wrapped in wax paper for $2. The saying should go, "First the man takes a drink; then the man takes a bite." Mmmm.

Late-night food runs on South Beach usually mean pizza pies or greasy (yet delicious) tacos. Sure, it's fun to stumble out of the club and end up at 7-Eleven, stuffing footlong hot dogs down your gullet, but you could hit Compass Market for gourmet goodies that are worthy of A-list munchies moments. Got two gallons of tequila in your stomach? Hit the refrigerated case for ready-to-eat empanadas, wraps, panini, and ceviche. Sometimes food is the last thing on your mind, so the cases of Izze natural beverages and juices will help replenish the electrolytes you lost in that bottomless glass of gin, and a bottle of Perrier-Jouët bubbly has "hair of the dog" written all over it. Snacks and sundries. Papaya and arugula. Grab a pack of fresh-roasted gourmet java straight from the Keys to your coffeemaker and your hangover. The wall of cigarettes, cigars, and, um, rolling papers means your club-worthy lung destruction doesn't have to end. Ever.

From the outside, these two establishments look like they'd have to be connected. Come on, who would put two porn shops directly next to each other? But look closer and you'll see there are actually a couple of inches of space where one wall stops and another begins. To your left, a sign heralds "Adult & Non-Adult Video," while the other side gets to the point with just "Adult Video." Choose which hole — um, doorway — you want poke yourself into and you couldn't be in for a bigger surprise. On the left, Adult Supermarket is the kind of classy porn shop you'd take a girlfriend to, if a classy porn shop actually exists. There are well-kept displays, bright lighting, and tastefully mirrored walls. You don't have to think twice about touching anything. Then there's J&R Books & Video. Despite having the more subtle name of these straight-up I'm-here-to-find-something-to-get-me-off shops, this place comes complete with video viewing booths (if you don't know, you probably don't want to). Together they're like no other two naughty spots that happen to be close to each other: One is classy and traditional; the other is a little freaky.

Unlike the adult outposts of old, Playthings isn't some sleazy shack marked with a big, red triple X. Located across the street from Bird Bowl, this locally owned sex shop blends seamlessly into the family-oriented strip mall. And once inside, you shouldn't be surprised to find yourself browsing $20 PVC underwear alongside a young mother and her screaming toddler. However, don't assume that friendliness precludes freakiness: The huge main room features a massive selection of masturbatory devices. There's the silicone true-skin Mini Tongue ($74.99) and the Dream Maker Lunar vibrator ($149.99), with its super-thick, knobby shaft. There's also a connoisseur's corner of flogging devices, including plastic paddles and braided horse crops ($9.99). But take note: The truly hard-core stuff is stashed in a backroom bunker. There you'll find a stockpile of $40 DVD and Blu-ray porn, from Bettie Page to the entire Bang Bros catalogue. Plus, it's where Playthings hides its biggest toys, such as the legendary 12-inch John Holmes cock, the Boston penis enlargement pump, and lifelike asses. Weird but awesome.