People spend ungodly amounts of cash on their bitches. Check out ILoveDogsDiamonds.com, for instance, where one can buy the “Amour Amour” dog collar. Made from crocodile leather, platinum, and 52 carats of diamonds, it goes for the bargain price of $3.2 million. And of course South Beach, the nation’s playground…
“Arrrg!” says an inebriated Cap’n Pete Poopdeck as he slams a fist on the wooden bar top at Seven Seas (2200 Red Rd., Miami, 305-266-6071), a charmingly dingy pub off Coral Way. “Can ye fetch me a beer?” The barkeep — a small woman with gold jewelry, bright red lipstick,…
Marisol, a lovely Latina with sleek brown hair, blended bangs, and skintight jeans, saunters down a quiet hallway when, suddenly, she stumbles. Perhaps it’s because she’s wearing stilettos. Or maybe it’s that her husband is dragging her by the wrist. No. Most likely it’s due to the fact that she’s…
Puerto Rico has the goat-sucking Chupacabra. West Virginia has the prophetic Mothman. Even Mobile, Alabama, boasts a dusk-dwelling tree leprechaun who climbed to fame in March 2006, when residents endlessly asked, “Where the gold at?” And though nothing in the United States compares to the strangeness that is the Gobi…
A trio of women in their midtwenties is huddled in a dark booth in a corner of Gatsby’s (8575 SW 124th Ave., Miami, 305-412-2220). Most of the bar is amped, but these women sit far from all the beer and chest pounding. Staring quietly at a cartoonish Britto-inspired mural, they…
A Happy Meal at McDonald’s will get you little more than a fist-size cheeseburger and a plastic toy. But at Purdy Lounge (1811 Purdy Ave., Miami Beach; 305-531-4622) on any given Sunday, a Happy Meal ($6) delivers a Jäger shot, a bottle of Miller High Life, and just enough booze-fueled…
Dale Spitler folds his arms across a fitted gold vest that’s complimented by a matching bowtie. Then the tall, stern-looking man with close-cropped blond hair leads me through a silicone valley of leggy girls with thongs stretched deep into their ass cracks. We end up in his workplace of the…
“If it’s a boy, I’m going to name him Johnny Walker Black,” I said to my friend Lola as I patted my pregnant belly. We were leaning back on the large, wooden bar inside Barracuda Raw Bar & Grill (3035 Fuller St., Coconut Grove) so the crowd could see my…
Although the Magic City is in the Sunshine State, most Americans don’t think Miamians are very bright. In fact many regard us as coked-out, bikini-clad, rollerblading supermodel chongas who have Pollo Tropical surgically sucked from our thighs while we play dominoes with Crockett, Tubbs, and a mojito-drinking flamingo. Yet outside…
As some really nice lyrics — ass, titties, ass, ass, titties, ass, ass, titties, titties, ass and titties — crank at an eardrum-ringing volume from speakers at Studio A (60 NE 11th St., Miami), three chicks wrestle in baby oil. A guy clad in a #69 referee shirt and a…
I don’t really like to date,” says Javier, a short, dark, timeworn fellow in his thirties. “I basically come here looking for a sexy woman. You know, the kind who’s confident and dresses in a way where you can see everything but her areolas.” Lucky for this shrimp, most women’s…
The first time I tried absinthe, I didn’t feel compelled to hack off my ear. Nor did I see any green fairies. In fact the only things I remember are sugar, a lighter, a shot glass, and the booze hitting my lips. That’s it. Well, that and the flush of…
I’m married. Is it cheating if I get a lap dance?” asks Mary, a plain 34-year-old with tight curly hair slicked back into a short ponytail. “I don’t know,” I reply. “How would you feel about your husband getting a lap dance? “If my man wasn’t touching anything while he…
Click here to check out a slideshow from the Zombie Walk. I was playing fast and loose with other people’s money, and I came up dead one morning in a Dumpster wearing this amazing outfit,” a guy named Jesse says as one of his brown eyes peeks down at me…
It’s 11:30 p.m. on a Friday at Churchill’s Pub (5501 NE Second Ave.), and Miami filmmaker Aiden Dillard, age 26, is positioning the legs of an inflatable doll on his shoulders. She wears a pink chiffon dress and sequin Santa hat. “Ho, ho, ho, it’s that gift-giving time of year,”…
“My mother was Italian — a Catholic — and my father was a German-Jew,” explains Henrietta, her blue eyes wide under two pencil-thin brows. “Back in those days, when I was a kid, people didn’t believe in mixed marriage. So when I came along and I was a gay boy,…
Pooka is 23 years old. She’s a petite girl with strawberry blond (emphasis on the strawberry) hair and bangs pulled back and pumped up into a Gwen Stefani pompadour. She looks at a piece of paper on which someone has drawn a crude picture of a giraffe, complete with a…
Walking into the shoebox-size Abbey Brewing Co. (1115 16th St., Miami Beach) for an Oktoberfest bash, I found it difficult not to notice the burly man-mass. The stained-T-shirt-clad brotherhood was comfortably crammed into the bar’s limited wooden booths. Fifty or so dudes pounded foamy beers while peering at various muted…
“Korea’s got the best fried chicken,” claims Dave Hillyard, longtime saxophonist for Brooklyn-bred ska band the Slackers. He would know. Over the past decade, the Slackers have performed across five of seven continents. “Never Africa or Australia,” he says, “but when we performed in Korea, a lot of the people…
How many crackheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Better yet, how many crackheads does it take to construct a pipe for their cat out of a lightbulb? If you ask a fleeting fiend, the answer might be as incoherent as Babyshambles’s debut album, Down in Albion. But…
Aside from fur balls, cats are pretty low maintenance; they nap all day, poop in a box, and endlessly entertain themselves with pieces of string. But dogs are a lifestyle, filling otherwise lonely days with love, loyalty, and a constant excuse to go shoe shopping. More so than with the…
Oski, frontman for the band the Oski Foundation and freestyling host of The Rock Thursdays at Tobacco Road, hates party promoters. “And band managers,” he adds bitterly as he shares what he claims is his most published quote. “I hate them because I’m not a promoter. I’m an artist.” In…
