Why Miami Christmas Is the Worst Christmas

It's 85 degrees outside. The sun won't stop shining. You can't wear anything heavier than a sleeveless tee, and you're sweating balls, as usual.

For folks in the Northeast, this might sound like a little piece of paradise. For many in South Florida, however, this shit is getting old. How the hell can you celebrate Christmas when the temperature refuses to dip below 80?

The incessantly warm weather is just one of the many reasons the 305 might be the world's worst place to celebrate Christmas. The full list is after the jump.

See also: The Biltmore Will Open Its Ballroom to Cats and Dogs for Christmas

10. The heat. No, we're not talking about the team.

It's so. Damn. Hot. The heat and humidity are never going to end. It's barely cooled off at all this year, and Christmas is right around the corner. It's hard to sing "White Christmas" when sweat is dripping down your back. If nothing else, at least you can turn your A/C up to force a faux chill.

9. Naughty folks.

There are so many South Floridians bound to make the naughty list, we're pretty sure Santa crossed Miami off his list a long, long time ago.

8. Santa's dressed for snow.

If he were to visit Miami, he'd freaking melt. Seriously, have you seen his hat, coat and boots? After his reindeer abandoned him in favor of a pool party at the Delano, it's likely he'd die a sweltering death in a swamp somewhere.

7. Grinches are everywhere.

If the Grinch were a real dude, we're betting he'd live around here. Miamians aren't exactly known for their kindness, charity or Christmas cheer. It can be hard to maintain an Elf-esque spirit when you're faced with irate drivers and rude patrons.

6. Santa's Enchanted Forest.

Because nothing says Christmas like Cabbage Patch Dolls dressed like elves, greasy fair food, and questionable rides run by carnies.

5. Lame decor.

Pick a town, any town in another part of the country, and you'll find Griswold-worthy houses galore. Thousands, MILLIONS of twinkle lights, dancing Santas, mechanical reindeer, lawn elves -- you name it. Where the hell can you see a spectacle like that in MIA? Nowhere. Just nowhere.

4. Shopping hell.

Have you seen Dolphin Mall lately?! The ninth circle of hell can't hold a candle to that mess. Ditto Aventura, Dadeland, and pretty much any Target location in Miami-Dade. No parking, miserable shoppers, and lines 30 feet deep. Spare us.

3. No chimneys.

Santa's breaking and entering occurs in one very specific fashion: via chimney. South Florida has almost none of the above. Some single-family homes dating back to the '20s and '30s have them, but otherwise, everybody here lives in a condo or a house built by rational people who know ain't nobody got time for fireplaces in Miami. It's yet another reason Santa is MIA in MIA. He can't get to kiddos, even if he wanted to.

2. Palm trees aren't very Christmasy.

In the words of Kevin Mcallister in the Christmas classic Home Alone 2: "Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate, anyway?" Well said, Kevin. Well said. Palm trees can also be highly inappropriate, as evidenced by the above.

1. Materialism.

If there's one thing Christmas is NOT supposed to be about, it's stuff. The commercialization of Christmas is one of the most depressing developments of our time. And what city is more materialistic than the land of Art Basel and Bugattis? If you don't have big bucks to spend on this "holy" holiday, your significant other might leave you to take a turn on Millionaire Matchmaker. Because nothing says Miami like store-bought Christmas cheer.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.