Tracy Morgan on His Australian Scandal: "I'm a Nasty Motherf**ker...You Can't Get Mad at Me!"

During the South Beach Comedy Festival, while headlining the Fillmore Miami Beach, Tracy Morgan addressed the protesters who had decried his "misogynistic" performances in Australia earlier this week. But first, he strutted onto the stage with his arms spread wide and announced, "I gotta shit."

Nothing about Morgan's bright white trousers suggested that he satisfied that need during his blistering set. And while audience members did eventually learn Morgan's take on the Australian situation, they were also educated on several other matters. Such as? Many seemed surprised to learn that "cripple pussy stays wet" and that when "an old bitch [farts,] it lingers." Morgan also revealed that he opts not to use condoms because, "If you ain't willing to die for it, you didn't really want it."

But as for his Australian controversy, Morgan introduced it thusly:

"Some bitch came to my show," which he reminded the audience is called Pardon My French ("so you know it's going to be about fucking"). He then issued a disclaimer for the protection of those who may have been unfamiliar with his act: "If you ain't fucking, let us know so we can kick you the fuck out."

See also:

- Tracy Morgan: Fans Demand Refunds After "Sexist Rant" in Australia

- Who Is Crazier: Tracy Morgan, Charles Manson, Pol Pot, or Bradley Cooper? Take Our Quiz!

As for statements that he is "mean to women," Morgan drew an important distinction: "You don't know how I treat my bitches. When I talk about bitches, I talk about bitches I know. And you don't know them."

Far from feeling himself to be a misogynist, Morgan hinted that he had previously been the victim of misandry, saying, "If your woman ain't gagging on your dick, she's being disrespectful."

Though over the course of an hour he deftly dissected topics as wide ranging as racial profiling, the Oscar Pistorius murder case ("He killed his woman because she was making pancakes with one of his legs.") and the political situation in North Korea, Morgan did devote a considerable portion of his set to gender politics and human sexuality. These are, he intimated, keen interests of his. Or, in his words, "I'm a nasty motherfucker! You can't get mad at me!"

Rather than hating women, Morgan said he embraces women of all shapes and sizes, from older black women who look like his Aunt Pat to "fat girls," who, "no matter where you fuck them, they feel like titties."

Morgan maintained that he has tremendous respect for women. He said it was "pure genius to come up with the concept of titties" and, that if he had placed in charge of the creation of women's breasts, he would have "fucked them up and made them square, with half a nipple."

He also lamented the distance between what it is to be a woman in today's society and his own personal experiences.

"In the next life," he said, "I want to come back with a vagina and show you how it's done." He would be, he predicted, "the biggest slut out there," and that this reincarnated version of himself would engage in so much vigorous anal sex so as to acquire "a prolapsed asshole [that] looks like a red rose."

This appeared to be the only moment when Morgan felt he had gone too far with his act, laughing to himself, "I crossed the line!" But in the audience, the elderly woman sitting one row in front of Cultist, far from being scandalized, chuckled to her husband (a man who had nodded knowingly at the red rose comment), "He's crazy!"

Australian busybodies would do well to note that, according to Morgan, he will be soon be performing a benefit show for "two to three hundred women without legs." Morgan said his agent alerted him, "They're not going to pay you but there's going to be pussy crawling all over the place."

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B. Caplan