Film & TV

Top Five Dick Flicks of All Time

Men don't cry. And they don't like love stories. Oh, yeah, and they hate all sentimental flap trap. That's BS. Some of the most popular dick flicks of all time revolve around some schmaltzy love story and guys ball like babies when watching them.

Whether it's an epic love story or a fight for freedom, guys pop a chub for some of the cheesiest, tearjerker films since the invention of Kleenex and ice cream. It's the epicness and nobility that appeals to men -- who are blatantly unaware that what they are watching sometimes is just a chick flick in disguise. C'mon, risking life and limb to rescue a fair maiden? You might as well call it Sleepless in Florin.

In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness month, and to show that guys are not just callous, immature dickheads, we have put together the top five dick flick of all time.

5. Gladiator

Do you know a single dude who doesn't love this flick? We didn't think so. And what's it about again? Right, Russell Crowe looking constipated as he spends the entire film trying to avenge the death of his wife and family. As he struggles through the gladiator battles only to get closer to the man who screwed him over, watch as your boyfriends spends half his time fidgeting in his chair and the other half with his fists balled up. This is all done to keep him from crying in front of you the way he does when he watches the movie alone or in the presence of only men.

The tale of King Leonidas -- a certifiable badass, no doubt -- is a total dick flick. It's got all the elements: a bad ass dude, war, betrayal, a loving wife, a country in danger, and so forth. If your man sits down to watch it, you might as well just invite his flag football team over, make them some chicken wings and a crudité platter, and sneak out to go shopping with your friends while they boys alternate between crying their eyes out and screaming, "this is Sparta!"

It's easy to see why this movie is a dick flick. It's a veritable sausagefest. Not only does The Expendables feature every major action star that your boy grew up watching (making it an instant dick flick), but it also involves a redeeming suicide mission. We admit that this one is much manlier than numbers five and one on our list, but not quite as manly as number two.

This is the movie that dudes watch when you're not home. Rambo isn't so much of a badass as he is a broken psychopath who just can't let things go. He does know how to kill though, that's for sure.

This is the favorite movie of almost every guy we know. It has it all - an everlasting love of woman and country, revenge, war, the underdog factor, Mel Gibson in war paint, and men in skirts. Guys still quote this movie randomly and hail it as a masterpiece the world over.

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Ily Goyanes
Contact: Ily Goyanes