LA sucks. There's so much smog there you can hardly shoot a movie in the sunshine.
That's why all the great films of our time shot in golden quality natural UV come to South Florida.
The latest, Pain & Gain, opens in theaters tonight. But it's just one of many classic flicks that have been shot in the county of Dade.
Here are our top ten.
Sex, drugs, booze, golf, and gophers. When Tiger Woods was a kid, he probably used to rent this movie, go home, and score a "hole in one" in a sock, if you know what we mean. The majority of the film was shot at the Boca Raton Hotel & Country Club, and the Rolling Hills Golf & Tennis Club in Davie. But the pivotal Rodney Dangerfield "I'm on a boat, bitch" yacht-crushes-dinghy scene was filmed right here in Miami on Biscayne Bay.
9. Only The Strong
This epic in the pantheon of fight-to-the-death-in-a-circle-of-fire flicks created a feeding frenzy of local karate instructors working as extras when this production came to town. Not only is the best capoeira movie we know of, but it has the catchiest theme song in the history of film, "Paranaue," which sounds something like "para nah way, para nah way para na."
8. Deep Throat
Oh, you thought Deep Throat was just the name of the snitch who told on Richard Nixon in the Watergate scandal? Well first it was a movie about a lady who really loves sucking dick. Her name is Linda Lovelace, and she's the original queen of porn. Don Bailey, the flooring salesman from the naked guy on the rug billboards, used to party with her at a motel on Biscayne. And to this day, all the best pornos on the internet are filmed right here in Miami.
7. The Substitute
Tom Berenger plays "The warrior chief, the merciless God of anything that stirs in his universe," which in the case of this movie is Miami High. He's a hell of a substitute teacher, and this movie gets an A+ for being live from the 305.
6. Wild Things
Hot naked girls swimming naked in a pool. What more can you ask for?
5. Iron Man 3
Look, the movie's not even out yet, but the trailer is already dubbed in German. We're gonna go out on a limb here and say this shit is a classic already. Look out for Miami scenes shot at Vizcaya mansion.
If it wasn't for Porky's there never would have been a Dazed and Confused. The original oddball comedy about a bunch of high school kids getting fucked up and doing crazy shit in Miami, Porky's set the standard for Not Another Teen Movie to jack its swag from. Filmed at public schools all over the MIA, the infamous "shower scene" is reputed to have been shot at Miami High.
3. There's Something About Mary
It's probably not the only cumshot to occur in a bathroom at the Cardozo Hotel on South Beach, but that's where Ben Stiller cleans his pipe out before a date with Mary. The outside of her office was Brickell Park. She took Matt Dillon to an architecture exhibit at the downtown library building. And two of the scumbags in the flick meet at Big Pink restaurant.
2. Ace Ventura Pet Detective
Back when he was on In Living Color playing Fire Marshall Bill with the Wayans brothers, his screen credit read James Carrey. But with his breakout starring role in the greatest slapstick comedy in modern film history, Jim Carrey was born. And it happened right here in Miami.
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1. Godfather II
Say there's a better movie, go ahead, we dare ya. After that you can tell us how it smells at the bottom of the ocean (cause you'll be sleeping with the fishes). The greatest sequel to artistically surpass its epic first chapter was also shot in NYC, Sicily, Santo Domingo, Vegas, and Cali, but the Miami scene, featuring the gangsterest of gangster shit in all gangsterdom was shot on location at Hialeah Race Track and a house in what looks like Surfside.